Submission Is Downright Hard

I know what the Bible says about submission. I've read it myself & I've read books studying it. 

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. ~Eph. 5:22-24

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. ~Col. 3:18

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. ~Titus 2:3-5

I believe these words are true, authoritative, & are for my good. Even so, I struggle. I struggle because submission is all about acquiescing to something you don't agree with; otherwise, it's not submission.

For instance, I know that Michael doesn't want me to watch a particular TV show on Netflix because he's unsure of the content. He's a gracious husband, so he doesn't demand that I not watch it, he even tells me that I can. And, honestly, I really want to, especially because I don't agree with his assessment of it. But I know he'd rather I not, & that means I really shouldn't. Even so, sometimes the thought crosses my mind that "he's napping & will never know". After all, I wouldn't be watching it in his presence. True, but that's not really the spirit of submission. Thankfully, God grants me the strength to overcome my desire, & I abstain from watching the program. 

Michael feels that a certain decision is right for our family. I really do not agree. I don't think it's necessary, & I really don't want to do it. Not now, anyways. Or maybe I even think his decision could put us in a tough spot.  I know that as the head of our family I should leave it up to him, & follow where he leads. But I don't. Instead, I keep presenting my case, forcing him into the position of convincing me that he's right. Or just giving in to the path I think we should take. Which means that, ultimately, I'm putting myself forth as the head of our family, & this is contrary to God's design. Eventually, I do realize this & hand control back to Michael. 

I could probably give you dozens more examples of how I fail at submission. Even when I do submit, I often really dislike it. Blame my sin nature, blame the Fall, blame the feministic culture - no matter what the reason, submission is just downright hard. And maybe it's supposed to be - at least post-Fall - because in the end I am brought face-to-face with my inability to fulfill God's command. I'm forced to acknowledge that I need His help to be submissive to my husband. And I don't just need it once, I need it every single day. Which means that I have to keep striving every day, trusting Him to supply the strength & will to fulfill His commands. I hope one day I'll be able to call myself a submissive wife, a wife who is submissive more times than not. But I also hope that I will always remember that it's only by the grace of God that I can be that woman . . . & find forgiveness when I fail.