Friday, September 19, 2014

Never Alone

Grief is lonely.  I never realized that until now.  Not too long ago, I read about how Jesus can empathize with us when we are lonely in our grief because He has been there, too.  I read about His experience in the Garden of Gethsemane & felt panged for His sorrow at finding Himself alone in His grief while His friends slept.  I appreciated the idea of Him being with me if I were ever lonely in my own grief, but at that point I wasn't, so it didn't have the impact that it does today.  But today . . . today, I feel the loneliness.  I don't blame anyone for that.  It's just life.  Life goes on for others.  There's nothing wrong with that.  Life goes on for me, too, it's just that it's different now.  There's this piece of my heart that is missing, a piece that died with Christian.  This is my new reality, & the grief - while not always overwhelming - is ever present & sucks me under in an instant.  But because it's been almost 2 months since I lost Christian, it's not as real for everyone else, & I am just kind of left to myself with my grief.  But it's not just that.  This grief is not as real to anyone else because it's not their grief.  That's true even for Michael.  He doesn't feel this loss as intensely because, although Christian is his baby, too, he didn't carry that life in his body . . . & he didn't experience the labor to pass that tiny body after he/she died.  So, my grief is uniquely my own.  I don't dwell on it constantly; I've even gone a whole day here & there without shedding a single tear.  But when I am pulled under, my tears have been met with words that, although they may not intend to do so, dismiss my grief.  So, I cry alone now.  Except at night, when I pray (& sometimes cry) next to Emma as she drifts off to sleep.  Although, I guess that's not really accurate, either, because each & every time I sob out my sorrow, I cry out to God & know He's there.  So now, these words have new meaning to me:

     "Find comfort in the companionship of the one who understands what it is like to be all alone.  'He was despised and rejected - a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.  We turned our backs on him and looked the other way.  He was despised, and we did not care' (Isaiah 53:3).
     When you feel like no one understands, listen to the words of Jesus and find comfort.  He has been there.
     When you feel like everyone has abandoned you and no one cares about the agony in your soul, listen to the words of Jesus and find companionship.  Hear him calling you to a deeper, more real relationship with him than you've ever had before.
     He, too, has been overwhelmed with sorrow.  He will meet you in this place of pain and speak to you, letting you know that you are never alone."  ~ Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow, Nancy Guthrie, pg. 8