Friday, June 18, 2010

Pray For Me - PLEASE

The last couple of weeks have been fraught with struggle. I can't elaborate on some of the details in such a public way, although I can assure you that it's nothing to do with our marriage. We're happy as pigs in mud. So, no worries there, okay?

If you've read through our blog up to this point, you've seen mention of my "difficult relationship". Well, that particular difficulty has reared its ugly head once more. It had been relatively easy to let harsh words & frustrating behaviors roll off my back, but now. . .well. . .it's not. Now, I'm struggling to feel the love that just recently seemed to come so easily. Okay, that's not really true. I'm definitely not "feelin' the love", but I'm not fighting for it, either. Nor am I struggling to contain my anger. Nope, I'm letting it have full reign. And, if I'm honest again, I don't want to reign it in. I've been hurt & it feels good to be angry. Here's the rub, though: I know it's wrong. I know full well that I'm sinning in my anger. And I don't like that, not one bit. That's why I'm letting y'all know about this particular struggle. I don't want to feel loving & I don't want to let go of my anger. Right now, I'm not even sure that I want to want to! So, I'm having to pray for that desire, & I'm asking you to pray for me as well.

The other struggle comes in the form of my sweet baby girl, Ginger. If you remember, she was diagnosed with cancer Christmas Eve '08. She went into a remission last summer that has lasted all the way until now. But now, it's back with a vengeance. We took all the babies into the vet in the middle of May for their yearly shots & everyone marveled at how well Ginger's been doing. We even wondered if maybe God had healed her. I know that sounds crazy - like, why would He heal a dog when He doesn't heal people? - but this remission was rare. Her first remission lasted only 3 months, & the rule of thumb is that the length of a subsequent remission will only be half. So, I should have lost her last Fall at the latest. (I have to pause here & publically praise God for giving me more time with her than is supposed to be medically possible.  I'm more grateful than I can say.)  Here she is a year out, with no sign of the cancer. Could it have been that God had answered my frantic down-in-my-bones cries with a "yes"? It seemed so. Until the end of May. I felt what may be her lymph nodes popping back out in her neck. We went in to our vet again - who, if I may say so, is an absolute God-send to us - & he thought it was probably the vaccines, but he wanted to keep an eye on it. So, we made our weekly trip to his office last week (on our anniversary, no less) for the confirmation of my fear that the nodes are larger & the cancer is back. In the past week, those nodes have continued to grow while some others in front of her shoulders went from nonexistent to tennis ball-size. We've gotten her started on Prednisone, which has already begun to shrink the nodes, & we have another treatment plan set to begin Monday. But, ultimately, we're just delaying the inevitable. This cancer is terminal. It's only a matter of time before it kills her. And it breaks my heart to know that. I've broken down sobbing countless times over the last couple of weeks. Like right now. I can't stand the thought of what's coming, but it's coming nonetheless. I'm scared. This is painful now, but it's going to be exponentially more painful when God takes her. Everything in me is screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO LOSE HER!!!" And yet, I will. God will see me through it. Michael will see me through it. I do know that. I desperately need your prayers. She may not be a human, but she is my baby.


Lisa said...

I have prayed for you on both topics...that you will be able to let go of the anger and that Ginger will be well. Also that you will feel comforted. Love you.