Sunday, January 1, 2012

My Fear, God's Peace

Last night was not a fun night for me - or Michael, for that matter.  I didn't experience as much nausea yesterday, & its absence ushered in a feeling akin to terror.  I know that there have always been & always will be women who lose their unborn children.  There aren't words to express adequately how much I don't want to join their ranks.  Even though I have no symptoms whatsoever of miscarriage, I began to fear that my lack of nausea meant a lessening of hormones which, in turn, meant I was losing (or had already lost) our child.  It lasted for probably a little more than an hour.  Michael told me to trust God.  My response was that I do trust God to do what's right & to do what's for my good, but that doesn't mean that I'll get the outcome I desire.  I can't trust that, because that just might not be.  I was overcome with fear & sadness, & I begged God to take away my anxiety.  I sought to cast my cares on Him, knowing that He cares for me.  The alleviation of my fears was not immediate.  As a matter of fact, that prayer came just at the beginning of my time of fear.  Michael comforted me both with pointing me to God & with practical "proofs" that all is well.  God definitely used that to help me, but I still wasn't free.  After Michael left for work, I sat down to work on a new template for this blog.  It's actually the same one I used last year at this time, so I just reused last year's banner as well.  (Our new mantra is "organized simplicity", after all.)  I always choose a Scripture verse or two to go on our banner, & as God would have it, last year I chose Deuteronomy 31:6:

 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread . . . for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.

I felt an instant peace wash over me.  Although I don't (usually) dwell on this fact, I know that anything can happen; I won't necessarily get the outcome I want - my sweet baby born healthy & strong.  But this verse brings peace nonetheless, because I know that there's nowhere I can go & no circumstance I find myself in that my Father is not already there.  He will not leave me or forsake me to bear any burdens - good or bad - alone.  This is the peace that surpasses all understanding.  I'm so grateful for our gracious God!

(And, as an aside, God also graciously granted my prayer, & I've experienced plenty of morning sickness today!  Strange as it may sound, I'm a happy girl!)


Anonymous said...

This is such a beautiful post, as usual. It's such a needed reminder, no matter what fear we may be facing each day. I am so thankful for the peace that flooded your soul as you were very timely reminded of the Truth through the Word of our ever-present, oh-so-personal God.

Your blog looks beautiful - again, as usual :)

The Boyds said...

Thank you, sweet Katie - both for this comment & for your message (which I saved)! I love how God's truth always saturates your words! And I love how you love me through them - if that makes sense. I love you so much & am so thankful for our friendship!