Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Uncertainty Made Certain

Sometimes, life just makes sense. Everything falls into place easily, without so much as a hint of uncertainty. Meeting & marrying Michael was like this. We had a whirlwind courtship lasting just 4 months from meeting to marriage. And neither of us doubted for one second that our union was God-ordained & -blessed. However, uncertainty absolutely preceded our meeting - where was my future husband, when would he come along, would he come along, what was God's plan - all of this swirled through my head & heart for years before that glorious day that God brought Michael to me. But then, on that day, all my years of waiting suddenly made sense. All that time was not just idle waiting. Even when I was in the throes of despair that I would always be alone, God was working out His plan for my life. There were times, too, when I knew that. Times when I had faith that God was perfectly in control & knew what He was doing. I couldn't see that, but because I know Him, I knew it to be true. My single years were preparation for me. God used that time to prepare me for marriage, for being a good wife. How? Mainly by showing me how great of a sinner I am. He showed me my selfishness, pride, & independence - things that have no place in a godly marriage. But He didn't leave me there. He showed me my need for Him. He brought me to repentance & sanctified me, an ongoing process that He continues in me today. He also used that time to strengthen my faith in & love for Him, to the point that I knew that if I never married, He would be enough. So, those uncertain years weren't wasted, & in one fell swoop, God made all things clear.

Right now is another uncertain time for Michael & me. We are barren, childless. For some people, this might be a wonderful thing, but for us, it's sorrowful. We love children, we dream of & plan for children, we pray & cry for children. We have names picked out & even outfits bought for children. But we don't have children. Our arms are empty & our home devoid of the laughter & playing of children. Just a few months shy of a year ago now, we began a journey of adoption. We began this journey full of joy & anticipation, sure that this was God's will & plan for us to become parents. Now, we're not so sure. We still want to adopt, that hasn't changed. But circumstances have. We've had the money required to complete our home study twice now, & both times, that money's had to be spent on necessities. That the money was there for those necessities was a gift from God, there's no doubt about that, & we are very thankful for His graciousness in providing for us. But, at the same time, we were so sad that it meant a set-back in our adoption process. To be honest, "sad" doesn't quite cover it.  Heart-breaking grief comes closer.  When I realized that our adoption was going to have to be put on hold, maybe stopped altogether, I went off alone & sobbed out all of my longings & my grief.  I cried out to God, begging Him to either bless us with the children I so desperately want or to take away this down-in-my-very-bones longing for them.  So far, He hasn't done either, but He has granted me peace, for which I'm thankful.  Not being allowed to move forward has led us to doubt our certainty that our adoption is God's will, too. Months have gone by since we were able to save up that money, & I wish I could say that we have it all figured out now, but we don't. We don't know what God's plan is. Although we hope & pray that our future includes children of our own - both biological & adopted - we don't know that it does. We're so uncertain of the future. But we are certain of God. He is working everything out according to His marvelous plan, which will be for our good & His glory. This uncertain time, even if it be years long, is not wasted time. He is preparing us for the future, for the fulfillment of His plan. And I know, with ever fiber of my being, that once His plan has come to fruition, we will know that it was worth the wait.

*Our most gracious heavenly Father, oh! how we love You! Thank You, thank You for being our God! For being sovereign over our lives & for not giving us the control. You work all things out in the best way. In all things, You receive glory, but - amazingly - You also love to work things out for our good! You are loving & merciful, & we praise Your holy name! Thank You for Your assurance that, even when we don't understand the events of our lives, You are in control. Michael & I both pray for children. We so long to love them, hold them, play with them, & tell them about You! But we know that Your plan is better than ours. If You give us children, we will praise You. And if You don't give us children, we will praise You. Please, Lord, please give us such a love for You, that even if our heart's desire for children is not fulfilled, that You will be enough. We love you, Lord, but - as always - give us more love for You. Fill us up to overflowing with love for You, & we will have all we will ever need. In Christ's holy name we pray, Amen.