Our Year, My Crisis of Faith, & Our Prayer Requests

I don't usually write posts in this way, but I have a lot to say - a lot to catch some of y'all up on - so I'm going to write this one post in 3 parts.  I'll be as brief as possible, but let me apologize in advance for the length.

Our Year

This has been a hard year.  There has been joy, to be sure – being a child of God, Michael’s wife, & Emma’s Mama, that’s a given – but I've never lived through a year like this where difficulty compounded sorrow repeatedly.  Beginning in March of last year, my beloved Granny died suddenly.  In June we discovered we were expecting our second child, only to be told a few weeks later that we had lost him or her.  (I’ve dealt with my fair share of sorrow, but I’ve never known this depth of pain before.  Never.  And lest anyone think differently, while the pain does lose its rawness, it never goes away & can crop up at any time.)  A couple of people whom I love dearly experienced deep sorrow, & I sorrowed with them because I love them.  Then, at the beginning of this year, despite our very best efforts, we lost our home.

Amongst the sorrows, as I mentioned, there were joys.  For those of you who don’t know, we discovered in October that we were pregnant again!  To be sure, that made me nervous, as my heart was so very tender with grief over Christian.  Still, this little one whom God is forming in my womb tops the list of joys for this year!

My Crisis of Faith

I’m already a nervous expecting Mama, especially early on.  I tend to be fine between appointments, but as one approaches, I start to worry that we’re going to discover something’s wrong.  Losing Christian only amplified that anxiety.  But as we passed the early benchmarks, & as I was able to rent a hand-held Doppler, I became more at ease.  My comfort was challenged a bit, though, at the 20 week appointment where we discovered that this baby – Jack, as we learned to our extreme delight! – had a slight abnormality that our doctor wanted to keep a watch on.  “Echogenic bowel”, they called it.  He didn’t seem distressed & said it was possible that this was nothing to worry about, something that could be a false reading or even resolve on its own.  He wanted us to come back in 4 weeks for another ultrasound.  I prayed fervently, more fervently than I’ve ever prayed for anything in my entire life, that this shadow would be gone when we went back.  I knew from research that echogenic bowel could mean some pretty scary things, so I begged God to let it be gone.  I was perfectly honest with Him that I had had enough this year; I couldn’t handle one more sorrow, especially in regards to my children.  There are others who seem to float along with nary a ripple in their placid life.  “Let them have a turn,” I pleaded.  I prayed these things over & over & over . . .  & over.  And even though I still felt some anxiety, I just knew that when we went back, everything would be normal.  I just knew it.  But I was wrong.

It took a few hours, but before the day was done, I freaked out.  I mean, freaked out.  I became volatilely angry with God.  I questioned His goodness & His love for me.  I wondered if maybe the atheists were right – is God capricious?  Why would He do this to me?  Hadn’t I suffered enough?  Not just this year, but in life?  I was molested, I suffered through family estrangements, I was hurt grievously by others, I struggled with infertility for years!  And then He had put me through the intensive pain of the past year, topping it off by taking my child away only to compound it by threatening this one?  I sobbed out my anger & grief to Michael, in Emma’s presence, who both sought to comfort me.  I felt like I was going to be torn apart by this emotional tornado.  I was inconsolable, livid, confused . . . & scared.  Scared because I had never in my life, despite my trials, questioned God like this.  I had never ever been angry with Him.  Never doubted everything I ever believed about Him.  I was terrified that I would lose my faith, & that was brand new to me, as well.  I believe that my faith – its very existence from beginning to end – is fully dependent on God.  I wouldn’t believe in Christ as my Savior if He hadn’t drawn me, & I am completely dependent on Him to keep me from losing that faith.  I knew this, but this situation made me experience it.  All I could do was cry out to Him.  I was unbelievably angry, yet I still loved Him & didn’t want to turn from Him.  So, I begged Him to not let me go, not let me lose my faith.  For days I pleaded for Him to do this.  Slowly, ever so slowly, my tornado of emotions quieted, & my faith emerged stronger.  He sent me through the fire & brought me back out.  I have never been more thankful for anything . . . or more relieved.  A few things occurred to me as my storm blew itself out:

1)      I was so angry at God for possibly requiring my son of me or afflicting him with some grievous condition, yet He knows that grief Himself.  He knows what it means to watch the Son He loves afflicted & killed, & it was His gracious plan out of love for His enemies (including me), in order to reconcile us to Himself.  I realized I had no right to withhold my own son should He ask him of me.

2)      Every single person is created by God in His image & is, therefore, “fearfully & wonderfully made”.  Even people with deformities or diseases.  People are not the sum of their infirmities, & I will focus on Jack, not his limitations (if there are any).

3)      No matter what happens, as long as Michael & I are alive, Jack will never know a day where he is not loved & cared for.  He will always know that we love him & so does God.

Our Prayer Requests

The bottom line here is that we don’t know if Jack has a problem or not.  We went to a specialist who basically couldn’t tell us anything definitive without further testing – testing that still wouldn’t be conclusive.  We knew going in that we would not consent to anything invasive like amniocentesis, so we’re choosing to live with the uncertainty.  The fact that the echogenic bowel is the only abnormality works in our favor.  Usually such cases turn out with a healthy baby.  We know there’s no guarantee, though.  Blessedly, God has taken away my anxiety.  Since my crisis of faith, I have only had one twinge of anxiety, which is when I realized I need to focus on Jack & not his possible issues.  If we may ask, please pray for us.  Pray for Jack’s health; even though our love for him will be undimmed we, of course, still desire him to be healthy.  Pray for our faith in God (& His goodness & love) to remain strong regardless of what happens.  Pray that we (mainly me) won’t become angry with God if things don’t go as we hope.  Pray that God will be with us no matter if Jack is born healthy or not – because we’re going to need Him either way.  Pray for my health & for his birth (now just 9 weeks away, give or take) to be smooth & uncomplicated, & for recovery to be quick & easy.  Pray for Emma as she transitions from being an only child to being a big sister.  Pray for Michael & me to be godly parents to both of our babies.  And pray for us to glorify God in everything.  Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Soli Deo Gloria

God in My Miscarriage

Almost two months ago, on June 27, I had one of the happiest days of my life!  That was the day we discovered that God had created life in my womb again.  Oh, glorious day!  Because of my struggles with infertility, I am wary of pregnancy tests.  So, even when I'm showing pretty clear symptoms, I will explain them away in an effort to not get my hopes up.  And I avoid pregnancy tests like the plague until Michael finally convinces me to just end my mental gymnastics ("Could I be?  No.  I can't be.  Supper obviously didn't agree with me; that's why I'm nauseous.  Could I be pregnant?  I want to be, but  I don't need to be.  Oh, but Lord, if I am, please protect the baby.  Just stop it, Chrissy, you're not pregnant.") & take a test.  Funnily enough, this time played out almost exactly like when we found out we were pregnant with Emma.  Michael came home from work & told me to take a test.  I didn't want to because I was convinced my body was just being wonky & I didn't want to see a negative result.  But, as he laid down to go to sleep, I headed to the bathroom.  I wasn't even done counting out the 20 seconds you're supposed to, didn't even have time to set the stick down on the counter, didn't even have to set a timer.  Positive.  It was positive!  We were going to have another baby!  As soon as I saw that positive result, I was immediately, instantaneously, deeply in love & fiercely protective.  It is astounding how quickly that happens!  I hollered out, astonished & ecstatic, "Emma's gonna be a big sister!"  A stunned Michael just laid in the bed while I ran to kiss him, tears streaming down my face, barely able to keep myself from jumping with joy.  Poor fella needed to sleep after working all night, & all I could do was pick up the phone to call family & text friends.  Then, before even thinking about breakfast, I quickly typed up & printed out a little sign for Emma to hold announcing her new status as a big sister, took a picture, & posted it to Facebook.

A week & a half later, we headed to our OB appointment for our first ultrasound.  I am a worry-wart during pregnancy.  Every day I pray frequently that the baby is okay, that God will help the baby grow strong & healthy, & that He will save our baby's soul.  I did this all throughout my pregnancy with Emma, & this one was no different.  My chief concerns before the first appointment are always ectopic pregnancy & hormone levels, so I'm always anxious to see that everything is okay.  I was very pleased for the tech to announce that everything looked great, & I was 5 weeks 6 days along, which would put our estimated due date on March 4.  I spent the next 2 weeks bouncing between euphoria, planning, & worry.  I lo-o-ove being pregnant, knowing there is life inside of me, & anticipating the joys of another baby is so much fun!  Even so, there are so many things to get done, so many things to figure out, especially when you live in a tiny house, as we do.  Finally, I'm not one to take pregnancy for granted, so - just as I did with Emma - I would have fleeting bouts of worry about how the baby was doing & pray for his/her safety & health.  Blessedly, our baby looked good.  I was happy & at peace.

Then came the morning of our next appointment.  We had planned on dropping Emma off at Michael's sister's farm on the way to the OB's, but left too late.  This made me anxious, because she did not handle the first appointment well (she didn't get her nap out & pitched a fit anytime she had to be separated from me, which meant I held her during the ultrasound & physical exam).  I had hoped to avoid that, but it turned out that God knew what He was doing.  She ended up being a very welcome distraction.  As we sat in the waiting room, I read to Emma & Michael took pictures of us, noting my "pregnancy glow".  Little did we know then that it wouldn't last much longer.

On that day, one month ago, we learned that the burgeoning life inside of me was no more.  Once they took us back & began the ultrasound, I knew almost immediately that something was wrong.  I could tell that the picture on the ultrasound didn't look any different from the last one.  We were 2 weeks 1 day out from the last ultrasound; I was 8 weeks along, so we should have been able to see more.  When the tech said we were measuring 6 weeks 2 days - a mere 3 days further along since our last ultrasound - my heart sank, & I started crying.  She put her hand on my shoulder, gave her apologies, & went to get our doctor while I got dressed.  We were ushered into his office & waited for his appearance to tell us what we already knew.  He was very apologetic when he told us that our baby was gone.  I held out a slim hope that something, anything!, could be done, but he regretfully assured us there was no fixing this.  He also urged me not to blame myself for losing the baby.  "There's nothing you did or didn't do to cause this, so don't play that game."  Wise words, but also rather pointless, because it's just inevitable that I would try to figure out what went wrong.  Is it because I wasn't on Metformin this time?  Or because we didn't fill that Progesterone prescription?  (To that, he said I "could have bathed in Progesterone, & it wouldn't have made any difference.")  Is it because I wasn't exercising & eating super healthy like I was when we got pregnant with Emma?  A hundred questions like these have run through my mind, & the bottom line is that I don't know.  I don't know why I lost my baby, why I won't get to hold him/her in my arms, or read & sing to him/her, or see him/her grow up.  (Well, that's not completely accurate.  I do know that this is a result of the Fall, as are all trials & sorrows.  And it is helpful to know that & to know that one day God will make all things new & will right every wrong.  It is hard, though, to live in this "already, not yet" period of time where I have to grieve the loss of my baby.)  At this point, people want to fix it, they want to bring comfort & get me to think positively.  Although I have felt immense comfort from their displays of love, there is no fixing this.  The only one who could fix this is God, & believe you me, I prayed fervently over those 5 days between the sad news & the actual miscarriage that He would fix it.  I pleaded with Him that the experts were wrong, that our baby was still alive.  I begged Him that even if they were right that He would resurrect our baby in my womb.  I pleaded with groans & sobs.  The pregnancy hormones still coursing through my body continued to evidence themselves in nausea & soreness, prolonging my hope.  As did stories online of misdiagnosed miscarriages.  I prayed that would be our outcome.  The night before the miscarriage began, God gave me the grace to end my pleas in the same way that our Savior did:  "Thy will be done".  The very next day, I began bleeding & knew what God's will was.  (Because I chose a natural miscarriage in lieu of a D&C, this has been a drawn-out process that is just ending more than 3 weeks later.  I will spare you the details here; however, if you are in the same position & want to know what to expect, or if you want to better understand what I've been going through, I will outline my experience in the comments section.)

God's graces in this sorrow have been bountiful.  Every single day He shows me that not only is He aware of my suffering, but He is with me in it & carrying me through it.  I am constantly in awe that the God who holds the universe in place knows my sorrow intimately & cares to minister to me as only He can.  I am beyond grateful.  Should you find yourself in the same situation as I, I encourage you to make a daily list of God's graces to you.  Finding ways to be thankful in the midst of unbearable grief refocuses you & helps you bear it.  Here's my list so far (it grows daily):

     ~sympathies of ultrasound tech
     ~Dr. A praying for us after giving the bad news
     ~kindness of Dr. A in ushering us out the back door (I didn't have to see other pregnant mamas or be stared at as I sobbed)
     ~rainbow in the sky an hour later (God is a promise-keeping God.  I saw this as Him saying to me, "I know, I'm here, I'll carry you through this.")

     ~tight, wordless hug from Rebecca
     ~prayers & sympathies pouring in from friends & family
     ~Emma dropping her toys to run to me & give me hugs & kisses (or tickles) when I cry
     ~warning of miscarriage before it began (I would have been traumatized & my grief would have been paralyzing if it had just suddenly happened)
     ~Michael being a shoulder to cry on
     ~Michael pointing me to biblical truths
     ~multiple prayers offered on our behalf at church
     ~Michael supporting my need (emotionally & physically) to just rest on sofa & watch "Dispatches from the Front" & movies
     ~sunshine
     ~text messages from Jennifer
     ~pain meds
     ~rainy days that match my mood
     ~compassionate nurse (Tammy)
     ~friends & family checking on me repeatedly (texts & FB)
     ~Angie being on-call for me (in case I began to miscarry & needed her to come in the middle of the night while Michael was at work)
     ~new friend (Brittany) willing to be there for me even though she's pregnant
     ~Amanda sending me pictures of flowers to brighten my day
     ~articles & books reminding me of God's presence in my grief
     ~Emma
     ~Beth's text message
     ~Becky's letter
     ~Holy Spirit moving me to retrieve what ended up being Christian's body
     ~finding last gardenia plant in perfect condition (I had my heart set on a gardenia as a memorial plant in which to bury Christian.)

     ~capturing placenta/sac
     ~Dr. A validating my view of our baby (naming him/her, capturing what we could, burying him/her, wanting an ultrasound picture) & my grief over losing Christian
     ~flowers from Kara Grace
     ~"Valley of Vision" on FB
     ~text messages from Katie
     ~fun times with Emma
     ~distractions of daily life
     ~sweet nighttime moments with Emma
     ~Dr. A found ultrasound pictures of Christian - the only ones we will ever have - & sent them to us

     ~"Come Weary Saints"
     ~sympathy from Brian
     ~sympathy from our "meat fella" & his wife
     ~text message from Katie
     ~Terry's words of encouragement & saying that he prays for us daily
     ~my grief isn't constantly overwhelming; there is joy in between the floods of sorrow
     ~Scripture Lullabies
     ~songs in worship service that include trusting in God amidst sorrow (I feel like they were chosen for me)
     ~Pastor Keith's sermon that incorporated some of the very Scriptures that I've been meditating on
     ~vanilla spice candle that gives me a homey feeling & visions of normalcy
     ~Michael holding me while I weep
     ~friends & family not rushing me to "get over it", but are instead encouraging, loving, & are praying for me
     ~Willow Tree "Angel's Embrace" figurine that Michael bought for me

     ~daily comfort in prayer

I know this is long, but let me just take a moment to thank all of you who have ministered to us.  Your love, compassion, & encouragement have meant the world to us.  I can't even begin to thank you, because the gratitude permeates every fiber of my being; words just simply can't convey to you how thankful I am to God for each of you.  It's been such a little thing for you to take a moment to write that message or speak those words, but its worth has been immeasurable.  Years before Michael & I ever met, years before having a baby was even a possibility, I prayed that God would never send me through a miscarriage, & I determined that if I ever did marry & conceive, I would not tell anyone until the 2nd trimester (when chances of miscarriage decrease).  I thought avoiding telling anyone I was pregnant would be easier than having to tell people repeatedly that I had lost the baby.  In reality, I simply can't wait to tell the joyful news, & I'm glad that I didn't.   I can't imagine having to go through this alone.  Each person that has ministered to me & carried us before the throne of God has been a balm to my soul.  (And please know that if you don't see your name listed above, that does not in any way mean that your encouragement & love has gone unnoticed or unappreciated.  Not at all.  I have been so blessed by so many such expressions in numerous ways that it's been hard to keep a list of all of them individually, especially in my fragile mental & emotional state.  But they're all in my heart, & I'm thankful for all of them.)
    

This post has been rolling around in my heart & head for a while & has taken me more than a week to write.  I really wasn't even sure if I could get through writing it.  So, why even try?  For a couple of reasons.  One, in all of my life, & especially in my trials, I want to bring glory to God.  My desire in sharing my grief here is not that you'll feel pity for me, but that you'll see that in my weakness, God is strong.  I shared my heart's desire with a friend earlier last week, & can't think of any better way of saying it (plus I don't have the energy to reinvent the wheel):  "I do pray that our Father is being magnified by my sharing our grief.  I want people to see that we are hurting & broken, but also hoping & trusting in God.  I want them to see that our faith in & love for Him is not just undimmed, but even more fervent.  I want to show that He is the source of our hope, our rock in this storm, the reason we're able to survive this pain with hope & faith."  My other reason for sharing this is because I know I'm not alone in this grief.  I am not the only Mama who is missing a child.  And for anyone else who is in the very depths of sorrow as I am now, I want you to know that you aren't alone, either.  This is the worst thing I have ever been through, one of my very worst fears realized.  There are honestly times when I hate this valley, when I beg God for this not to be His plan.  I don't like being a Mama of 2 in my heart, but not be able to hold both of my babies in my arms; in fact, every fiber of my being rebels at this reality.  I don't want to be this person going through this pain!  But God.  God is getting me through it.  He is carrying me every single day.  He shows me every day that He is with me & that He loves me.  I know to the very depths of my soul that He is good, that He only gives good gifts to His children, that "He works all things together for good for those who love Him & are called according to His purpose".  I know that "the Lord is near to the brokenhearted & saves the crushed in spirit" & that "He heals the brokenhearted & binds up their wounds".  I know that this is a refiner's fire that is conforming me into Christ's image, & so even though this hurts immensely, I am grateful for that.  I know that "weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning".  That morning will come when I pass from this life to life eternal, & then I will never know another sorrow.  I am clinging tightly to these promises right now.  If you are in Christ, you can, too.  I pray that you may know His comfort & peace, & that you will feel Him carrying you through your sorrow.  There is one more reason that I am sharing this - Christian.  His/her life on this earth was short, but our baby was created by God, in His image, & is valuable.  Loved.  Missed.  Mourned.  Even if it was only our little family's, our precious baby touched our lives, lives in our hearts, & deserves to be honored.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers.  We will need them for a long time to come.  I know from others that our grief will never completely subside, but it will become more bearable.  And one day, we will be reunited with our baby - & all of our loved ones who die in Christ - before the throne of God, never to be separated again.  Until then, I will hope, I will trust, yes, I will grieve, but I will also give thanks.  Thanks for the life that God created in me, thanks for the lives that I get to love & care for every day, & thanks for the many blessings He has bestowed upon me - not the least of which is all of the precious souls who have ministered to us in our grief.  I pray that He blesses all of you as you have blessed us.

Soli Deo Gloria

Learning Lessons

There are all kinds of things I thought I knew about parenting (especially when it came to sleeping) . . . & then I became a parent!  ;-)

I just knew that babies sleep all the time, so it would be no problem to follow everyone's advice to "sleep when she sleeps". Then I had Emma, who seemed to have a built-in radar that alerted her every time I tried to sleep. I don't think she slept more than 30 minutes at a time for the first couple of weeks. I cried a lot because of sleep deprivation, & Michael said, "I thought babies were supposed to sleep" very often.

I just knew that it was easy peasy to get babies to sleep on their own. Then I had Emma, who always wanted to be held while she slept. Which is why she woke up every half hour when she was a newborn. I learned to hold her on my chest while we slept just so we could sleep, & I remember feeling so blessed when I was rewarded with 2 straight hours of sleep as a result. We finally tried putting her to sleep in our hand-me-down musical swing, & that thing was a miracle worker! As long as it was on, she slept. Which means we went through a lot of batteries, because she slept in it all night every night - plus naps - until her feet were hanging over the edge a bit!  ;-)  It was wonderful! If we're ever blessed with more little ones, we'll be getting an electric musical swing for sure!

I just knew that we'd never have a "family bed" & that babies leave parents plenty of time for chores while they nap. Then I had Emma, who slept by herself in her pack 'n' play beside our bed for 3 months before changing her mind quite dramatically. All of a sudden, when she was 7 months old, she simply could not sleep by herself any more. We still don't know what happened, but I followed everyone's advice to "let her cry it out", & was rewarded with a vomiting baby. We continued to try to put her down to sleep, but every single time, we ended up having to clean a vomit-covered baby, bed, & floor (plus ourselves). So, I finally gave up & now she sleeps snuggled up next to (or on top of) me at night & in my arms during naps. It's often inconvenient, but I'm learning to do what I can when I can & not stress about what I can't get to . . . because she needs me, & that's more important.

I just knew that I would be a Mama who got up before everyone else to get a shower & be ready when my family arose every morning. Then I had Emma, who knows when her Mama is not right beside her in the bed & wakes up protesting. One time she even sensed - in her sleep, mind you - that I was fixing to sneak out of the bed, & she woke up long enough to push me back down so she could crawl on top of me. Which, of course, made me laugh!

Actually becoming a parent opened my eyes to all of the things I thought I knew, but didn't. Emma's taught me plenty more lessons than are expounded upon here, & many more are to come, I have no doubt. But there is one more lesson that she teaches me every day, & it's the most important one of all.

I just knew that having a baby would be one of the most profound, most rewarding, most life-changing blessings of my whole life. Then I had Emma, who proved me right even beyond my wildest dreams. She has been such a joy, & each day my love for her grows . . . which always astounds me because my heart almost bursts with love & you wouldn't think it could hold any more! Yet it always does! She has shattered so many of the things "I just knew" about parenting before she came along . . . & I couldn't be happier.

*Note:  This is a light-hearted post about how Emma has changed some of my pre-conceived notions about parenting. I am not looking for advice on how to get Emma to sleep on her own. We're happy with our arrangement for now. Thanks for reading!

All About Emma

Our darling girl is just about halfway between 13 & 14 months. That seems impossible! She's positively adorable, an absolute delight. She has the sweetest smile that turns into the cutest smile - her "Munchkin Grin" - when she's really happy or excited. Sometimes she shows me her "Munchkin Grin" & soundlessly snorts, leading the two of us into a snorting competition. She loves to be spun around, either securely in my arms or out away from my body like the swings at the fair. When I swing her out, she kicks her legs & giggles gleefully. Which, of course, makes me laugh, too. She loves to read sitting in my lap, & even handed me a book to read to her the other day. I thought that was impressive! She's always on the go, either crawling, cruising, or in her Joovy. And, boy, is she fast! We expect she'll be walking soon. She loves to play with her toys, but she also is amused by anything ordinary:  sunglasses, ponytail holders, measuring spoons, the contents of the refrigerator, her Daddy's socks . . . you name it, she wants to play with it. She's in love with "Baby Einstein", & that's sometimes the only way I can keep our sleepy girl content while I get ready for bed. She's very talkative, & can say "Mama", "Daddy", "Emma", & "up"; she also said "bye-bye" a few times, but never since. She's learned to wave bye-bye, but she thinks it's always followed by clapping because I always say, "YEA!" & clap when she does it. (So cute!) She hates for us to go in the bathroom & shut the door, so I sometimes do this when I want her to come to me. Sure enough, as soon I close that door, I hear her whining & the slapping of her palms on the floor. (As you can probably tell, she keeps us laughing!) She likes bath time, & her squirting otter is her favorite toy. It doesn't take much to correct her; a point of the finger & a firm "no" will make her cry from hurt feelings. At which point we comfort her. She loves music, & always dances to it, which is so precious when she's crawling because she shakes her hiney! (Yep, another laughter-inducing event.) She loves animals & gets very upset with Callie not letting her pet her. She wakes up happy & vocal. She loves to play "Where's Emma/Mama/Daddy?", especially when we hide behind blankets. She's a really good eater & is doing great learning to drink from a cup. She's opening up better around strangers & family in familiar environments. She's incredibly observant. She doesn't really smile at strangers in public, which has caused some people to erroneously say she's not happy, when she's just watching & evaluating. She likes other children, but I do think she prefers them to be a bit older than she. She loves kisses, cuddles, being sung to,  & being tickled. Her favorite song is "The Itsy Bitsy Spider", & she fusses every time I finish singing it; strangely, she never has that reaction when she hears it anywhere else. She adores her Daddy & loves to play with him. She's still very attached to me, & even sleeps in my arms (which is when I write these posts). We are so in love with her! She is the light of our life, our joy, our angel, & we are so incredibly blessed - rich beyond measure - to be her Mama & Daddy. 

From a Novice

I just read a blog post that gives some very good advice to "experienced moms". (Seriously, stop right here, click on "blog post", & go read it.) Here's one part that really resonated with me:  "The next time you're tempted to write off a friend's parenting stage or struggle, listen empathetically without relating or comparing her problems to your own."  I can tell you, from a new mother's point of view, I have found this to be needed advice. Especially the italicized portion above. And not even just when a new mom is struggling. I personally haven't received a lot of understanding or support from some of my "mom" friends since Emma came along. Because of that, here are some other tips that this new mom would like to pass along (plus it's good to have this written down to remind myself, lest I forget):

-Everyone parents differently, so please don't judge or look down on me for not doing it like you.

-Every child achieves milestones at different rates, so don't freak me out by saying (with furrowed brow & worried voice), "She hasn't done ____ yet?"  (That's one reason I loved What To Expect the First Year so much, because each chapter starts out saying this.)

-Remember, sometimes it's not what you say, but how you say it. Just with a change in your tone, the same words can either encourage or discourage me. 

-Every child has a different temperament, so don't say with certainty that she's going to do or be like this. That may have been your experience with your child, but it may not happen that way for us.

-Building on the last few points, remember that I'm not in competition with you, nor is my child in competition with yours. So there's no need to "relate or compare" your situation & children to mine.

-Every mom has a different temperament, so I may not be comfortable with the same things you are. Please don't belittle me or make me feel odd.

-Everything about motherhood is wondrous & new to me, & I'm going to want to learn a lot for myself. Sometimes I'll come to you for sage advice, but most of the time I'll want you to be my friend, not my guide.

Now, don't get me wrong, I've had many wonderful interactions with my "mom friends". We've traded "my child did this" stories & "has he done this?" or "how do you deal with this?" conversations. We've had a lot of fun & laughter. But I have also come up against a lot more judgement than I expected, & it's hurt a couple of friendships because I didn't want to walk away from yet another conversation feeling like I'm doing it all wrong, so I stopped pursuing the relationship. So, I guess that's the reason I'm writing this post, because none of us really wants it to be like that, & the good news is it doesn't have to be. 

Babies Don't Keep

Ever since Emma was weaned a couple of weeks ago, I've had a little more time to devote to our home. Michael's been such a help this past year, taking on a lot of responsibility around the house - much more than I wanted. But, when Emma was delivered by an unexpected C-section, that meant an unforeseen period of recovery for me. Then came the round-the-clock care of our newborn angel, which didn't leave much time for cooking & cleaning. (In all honesty, it didn't leave much time for sanity because of sleep deprivation!) Then we spent a lot of time & effort establishing nursing, a process that took Emma almost a full hour 3 times a day up until a couple of weeks before she weaned (& even more than that at first!) As Emma's gotten older, I've gradually been able to add some time to my schedule to reverse the load of "home care" back to its proper balance. But I realized today that it will likely be a long time before we live in a perfectly clean house again. And that's actually just fine with me.  I have believed from the first that the little poem "Babies Don't Keep" is spot-on, so I plan to enjoy our little ladybug as much as possible. Because when I look back years from now, I won't regret that there were piles of clean clothes waiting in laundry baskets to be put away or that there were dishes in the sink waiting for an empty dishwasher. But I will regret not spending as much time as possible playing with & loving on my girl. I most definitely will teach her responsibility, discipline, & how to keep a home, but until she's ready for those lessons, 

"...The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow,

But children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.

So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!

I'm rocking my baby 'cause babies don't keep."

Be Still & Know ~ Scripture Lullabies

These songs may be lullabies, but they are most certainly for every age!

Baby Boyd

Sisterly Conversations

We will know next Tuesday if M&M is Emma or Jack.  So begins today's conversation.

Beth:  So, are you going to start registering as soon as y'all find out?

Me:  Yes, but I get overwhelmed by the little things, so I'll need you to come with me.

Beth:  Oh, okay, because I was going to ask if I could come.

Me:  Um . . . you're required to come!  No "can" about it!

Good gracious!  The woman's going to be in the birthing room with Michael & me as we welcome this little one into the world, but she thought I was going to bar her from registering?!  Silly girl!  ;-)  Love you, Bethy Poo!

Sisterly Conversations

A couple of days ago, I was talking to Beth on the phone . . .

Beth:  "So, how are you feeling?"

Me:  "Well, I've gagged a couple of times this morning & I'm nauseous right now, so it's all good!"  (in complete sincerity)

Beth (laughing):  "You're so crazy!"

;-)

Ahhh, Those Lovely Hormones!

Anyone who knows me - or has read this blog for any amount of time - knows that I'm a crier.  Happy, sad, angry, hurt . . . pretty much, you name it, I cry.  But, there's always a reason.  I'm not an irrational crier.  Well, I wasn't, anyways.  Until last night.

I'm reading a truly fabulous book, Natural Hospital Birth, which is helping me prepare for exactly that.  I want a homebirth with a midwife, but that's illegal in our state . . . which is another post.  ;-)  So, back to the book.  I was reading last night about the stages of labor, & when talking about early labor, she said that was a good time for husband & wife to create memories of their last moments alone together.  Now, it's not as though the reality that we won't be alone any longer hasn't occurred to me already, but Michael & I enjoy an awful lot of time alone together.  Time that I have always been very jealous to preserve.  Even though I yearn for this child with all of my being, all of a sudden, I felt a little panic, & I came into the room with worry etched all over my face.  When I explained this sentence to him, I teared up a little . . . & he laughed.  I lost it!  Seriously, I started to sob!  I walked away with my face in my hands, & when he asked me where I went, I said in that really high voice (think chipmunk), "In the bathroom."  He asked me to come back, & I wept on his shoulder.  I'm sure he had no idea what was going on.  The whole time that I'm weeping, there is this rational part of me saying this was crazy, but I just couldn't stop crying!  Later, once I was able to calm down, I burst out laughing over my weirdness.  Poor Michael, I think he's got a long road ahead of him!  ;-)

10 Weeks

Last December, I had just finished up my yearly GYN appointment when I heard the most beautiful sound through the wall.  It was a sound that, even though it had nothing to do with me, made me tear up.  It was the sound of a baby's heartbeat in utero.  As I usually do when I'm really touched, I put my hand to my nose & breathed out my longing to God to one day give Michael & me this gift.  Yesterday, less than a year later, He did.  As I lay on the table at our new OB's office, the ultrasound tech placed the machine to my abdomen, & all of a sudden, we heard our M&M's heartbeat!  Of course, I cried - as I'm doing now!  We got to see our little one, too, & he/she was very active!  M&M jumped, wiggled, & even waved!  I suppose I came across as a little dorky (not that I care) when I waved back & said - through tears, of course - "Hi, baby!"  I pray I never lose this wonder & joy over the miracle that God has wrought in our lives!

9 Weeks

Our M&M is growing so fast!  I love looking at these pictures & being able to see the shape of our baby.  We even got to see the little heart beating today!  I'm so overwhelmed with thanksgiving to God & love for Him, Michael, & this little one!  This is a Happy Thanksgiving, indeed!  And aren't the little captions cute?  Our OB asked me, "Auburn or 'Bama?" & laughed when I said in a "duh" tone of voice, "'Bama."  It obviously said, "Do you even need to ask?"  Then I saw the above picture & laughed out loud!  Sooo cute!  Roll Tide!

Our Little Peanut . . . M&M

According to the measurements, we are 7 weeks along!  It's incredible to me that I had no idea that I was pregnant for 6 whole weeks!  We went in to the doctor for bloodwork & an ultrasound this past week, & so far, everything looks great!  My numbers were healthy, as was our little one's heartbeat & placement.  We're still in such awe over this whole surprise!  I'm trying to think of a cute little nickname for him/her, because it can sometimes become a bit of a tongue twister to say "him or her" everytime I want to talk about him or her.  (See what I mean?)  Come to think of it, Michael might have hit on a nickname this morning, quite by accident.  I was ravenous before breakfast, & I patted my belly & said, "It's okay, baby, I'm fixing to feed you."  Michael chuckled & said, "A peanut M&M is bigger than our baby right now!  I don't think he/she's eating that much!"  I've heard people say "peanut" a lot, but "M&M" is new to me!  I think it might work!  ;-)  What say you?

Blessed Be the Name of the Lord!

I was 18 years old when the doctor diagnosed me with PCOS & laid down the news that it would be difficult if not impossible for me to one day conceive without medical intervention.  Being an 18-year-old with no prospects for marriage in the immediate future, I didn't shrug it off, but I wasn't overly concerned.

I married Michael when I was 29, & we were full of hope for our future.  We knew we had a hard road ahead of us in the children department.  And thus has been our experience.  In the course of our marriage, we've had grief over a disrupted adoption process & childlessness.  I'm ashamed to say that I even railed at God a few short months ago, momentarily questioning the most basic truths of His love & goodness like a child throwing a temper tantrum because she's denied something she wants.  I've had my medical diagnosis against me & neither Michael nor I are what you'd call slender, if you know what I mean!  ;-)  With PCOS, this is a definite strike against conception.  Almost 4 1/2 years have come & gone since our wedding, & we've done pretty good at beginning a healthy, active lifestyle . . . but not so great at maintaining it.

Almost 2 months ago, something just clicked, & Michael & I not only began eating healthy & exercising, we kept it up.  We trekked down to the bike trail that winds along the river 4 days a week, I worked out on the weekends while Michael went to his job, & we completely eschewed eating out, opting instead for home-cooked meals & homemade smoothies.  No more ice cream, fries, or deep-fried chicken for us!  Now we focused on farm-fresh eggs & dairy, coconut oil, fruits & veggies, & smaller portions.  When I was hungry, I would picture my stomach & try to eat enough to cover the bottom instead of filling the whole thing.  We ate just until we didn't feel hungry anymore; no more stuffing ourselves.  And we felt great!  Even on our camping trip, we strove not to undo all our hard work & maintain these principles.

Three days ago, Michael came home with a pregnancy test in hand.  I looked at him sideways & initally refused to take it.  Yes, I was late, but that had happened not so long ago as well, so I had decided that my body was simply rebelling against me.  Yes, I'd had a little nausea the last 4 evenings, but that was just the food I'd eaten.  Again, apparently, my body just hated me.  But, I can't look into those beautiful blue eyes & deny him anything for long.  So, I took the test, all the while lamenting that I didn't know why on earth we were doing this.  "I'm never going to get a positive!", said I.  He asked me to check to make sure the line in the test window showed up, indicating that we had done the test properly.  I picked it up.  "Ummmm . . . I think you need to come in here & turn on the light, because I think my eyes are playing tricks on me!"  There it was - a bold, blue plus sign.  But, that just can't be.  My brain shut down.  We snapped a picture on the cell phone & sent it to Beth, because I thought she would know what this meant.  I just couldn't accept what I was seeing.  She squealed with delight, "YOU'RE PREGNANT!!!"  Michael raced out to get a digital test while I peppered her with the same questions repeatedly:  "Can you get a false positive?"; "Can I trust this?";  "Is this for real?"  Three days later, I'm still stunned.  I keep looking at Michael & dreamily saying, "We're having a baby."

We're having a baby!!!