Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Trusting God in My Childlessness

The Christian life is full of struggles.  I'm in the midst of one right now.  The other night, Daddy told me a disturbing tale about a young woman in his community.  She's an abusive mother of 3 who prostitutes herself, apparently even in the presence of her children at times.  This morning, I read a story about a couple who locked their 3 unclothed daughters - all of whom are under 5 years of age - into a feces & urine soaked room.  A video came up after that detailing the tragic story of a young girl who was tied to her bed by her parents, & when her emaciated body was discovered, it was covered with bruises & abrasions.

I hear these things & everything in me screams out, "WHY?!"  Why do these people get to have kids?!  Why?!  Michael & I want children so badly!  We want to shower them with hugs & kisses.  We want to tell them, "I love you" all the time.  We want to play with them, read to them, pray with them, teach them about God.  Why are these reprobates allowed to have children that they then abuse & destroy instead of us?!  Why?!

I see people neglect their responsibilities to their children or even commit atrocities against them, & all I can think is, "I would love to have the children that they so carelessly disregard & throw away.  Why do they get to have them?!"  My emotions cause my insides to squirm & roll & my eyes to burn with tears.  I certainly wouldn't be a perfect mother, but surely I'd be better than these people.  So, why am I denied what they are so generously given?  I would cherish what they squander, so why are they blessed with children instead of me?

It gets so frustrating not knowing the answers to these painful questions!  Because the fact is, I don't know why.  The Spirit within me nudges me to trust God, to lean on Him, even - no, especially - when I don't know the answers.  I know this is all in His plan.  Sometimes, I don't like His plan.  But I know full well that's just because I don't have all knowledge & wisdom.  I'm sure if I did, if I was able to have just a glimpse of the overall picture, I would rest contentedly in His plan.  That helps me when I get a little emotionally crazy (like right now).  I remind myself, even at this very moment, that He is good, gracious, & loving.  He is merciful, & His plan is meant for my good.  There is peace in knowing that.  That doesn't mean the pain & longing magically disappears, but it helps me to make sense of a situation that seems to me to be completely senseless.  I ask Him to help me to bear this childlessness, to shore me up emotionally & spiritually, to make me love Him so much that if He never gives me the children that I long for so intensely, that He will be enough - that I will be contented & peaceful.

And even in this moment, He does.


Anonymous said...

I do not think this dishonors God at all; He can handle your emotions and will keep a bottle of your tears. And, you're right, His plan is good even if we don't understand it in the moment. I pray that the Lord will bless you with children, biological and spiritual.

Lynn said...

Thank you for being brave and honest to share your sorrows, Chrissy. I know that you are not alone in them. Your brothers and sisters don't have all the answers, either, but it is encouraging to see you trust God even when it's hard because we're all asked to do that with something. Much love.

The Boyds said...

Thank you both. "I love you" says everything I feel for you.

April Hollingsworth said...

Whenever you do have children (adoption or biological) you will know "why." Because those are the children God has prepared for you before the foundation of the world. You will say, "I can't imagine "him/her" not being my child." You will see his perfect timing. I'm struggling with things right now, and these are truths I am having to repeat to myself over and over. Yes, the Christian life is hard sometimes.

The Boyds said...

Thank you, April. From all of the adoption stories I've heard, I know what you say to be true. Thanks for the reminder.