Last night was not a fun night for me - or Michael, for that matter. I didn't experience as much nausea yesterday, & its absence ushered in a feeling akin to terror. I know that there have always been & always will be women who lose their unborn children. There aren't words to express adequately how much I don't want to join their ranks. Even though I have no symptoms whatsoever of miscarriage, I began to fear that my lack of nausea meant a lessening of hormones which, in turn, meant I was losing (or had already lost) our child. It lasted for probably a little more than an hour. Michael told me to trust God. My response was that I do trust God to do what's right & to do what's for my good, but that doesn't mean that I'll get the outcome I desire. I can't trust that, because that just might not be. I was overcome with fear & sadness, & I begged God to take away my anxiety. I sought to cast my cares on Him, knowing that He cares for me. The alleviation of my fears was not immediate. As a matter of fact, that prayer came just at the beginning of my time of fear. Michael comforted me both with pointing me to God & with practical "proofs" that all is well. God definitely used that to help me, but I still wasn't free. After Michael left for work, I sat down to work on a new template for this blog. It's actually the same one I used last year at this time, so I just reused last year's banner as well. (Our new mantra is "organized simplicity", after all.) I always choose a Scripture verse or two to go on our banner, & as God would have it, last year I chose Deuteronomy 31:6:
Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread . . . for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.
I felt an instant peace wash over me. Although I don't (usually) dwell on this fact, I know that anything can happen; I won't necessarily get the outcome I want - my sweet baby born healthy & strong. But this verse brings peace nonetheless, because I know that there's nowhere I can go & no circumstance I find myself in that my Father is not already there. He will not leave me or forsake me to bear any burdens - good or bad - alone. This is the peace that surpasses all understanding. I'm so grateful for our gracious God!
(And, as an aside, God also graciously granted my prayer, & I've experienced plenty of morning sickness today! Strange as it may sound, I'm a happy girl!)
