The Father's Love

How deep the Father's love for us,

How vast beyond all measure

That He should give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure.

~Stuart Townsend

God shows us the depth of His love for us in the ultimate way in the cross of Christ. How incredible to know that He loves us so much as to sacrifice His only beloved Son to once & for all atone for & satisfy His wrath toward our sin. He allowed Him to be crushed for me - that is a wondrous thing indeed!

And were He to stop there, that would be all I would ever need. Were He to never stoop to show me another mercy, another kindness, another example of His love for me, I would still know that His love was "vast beyond all measure" because of Jesus Christ.

But He doesn't stop there. He has bathed me in countless showers of His love all of my life. Walking with me through valleys, staying what would have been tragic events, bringing Michael to me at just the right time. He provides the job that enables us to have a home, clothing, & food. He's graciously given me a loving family - by blood, by marriage, & by Christ. He brightens my days with sunshine & waters the earth with rain. The list detailing God's demonstrations of love for me could seriously just go on forever!

Today was a day when I felt God's special, personal-for-me love immensely. It came about in what would probably seem a little thing for y'all, but I was floored & completely overcome. Michael called me into the blue room just before breakfast because he needed to show me something he'd found on our back patio. It was this.

Purple looked gorgeous on her, hence our "purpled-out" identifying information.

This is Ginger's tag. I got it for her when we lived in LA a few years before I met Michael; I meant to have it updated at some point, but could never find another design that I liked as much. Throughout all these years, this tag has never left her collar. She always loved wearing her collar, so much so that when I took it off to bathe her, she wiggled around in excitement for me to put it back on. I think she knew that it meant that she belonged to me. We buried her wearing that collar, & I had no idea that this tag was missing. Until today, which marks 2 months since I lost her. Losing her has been so terribly sad for me, & I think that God put this little tag in Michael's path for me. I think He was reminding me that He knows my sorrow intimately & He cares for me. I think He was reminding me that He is carrying me through this valley.

The Father's love is indeed deep & vast beyond all measure. He loves me enough to save my soul from everlasting damnation. And He loves me enough to give back to me something special that I didn't even realize was missing. He is a gracious God whose love truly knows no bounds.

Puppy Musings

We never planned on being a two-dog household.  From the moment I first saw Ginger & then brought her home, I've been perfectly content with just her, never feeling as though anything was lacking pet-wise.  Then we received the cancer diagnosis.  I didn't know how long I would have her, but I knew that I had to get another dog before I lost her.  Not to replace her; that can never be done.  But I knew that if I waited until after God took her to get another dog, he or she would always be lacking.  Just as no dog could ever replace her, nor could another one ever compare with her.  If we adopted another dog while she yet lived, memories could be made & love could be forged that would be untainted by her death.  Thus, we got Jake.

I, in case you didn't know, am a dogaholic.  I will leave my home & cross the street & even stop people in public in order to pet a dog.  I squeal with delight when we're driving down the road & I see a dog's head hanging out the window of a passing car.  If ever I come upon a stray, I will bring it home - something that's only happened once, amazingly.  Pounds & shelters are difficult places for me because I just want to bring all of the dogs home with me.

So, Michael warned me earlier this week that we were only looking as we pulled into the no-kill shelter's parking lot.  That was his only rule as he turned off the ignition & walked around to get me out of the car (as all gentlemen should) - don't get attached; we're just looking.  For once, he didn't really have to warn me.  My love for canines is firmly established, but I just wasn't all that excited about possibly getting another one.  Ginger's death hangs over me, casting a gloom over my heart when I consider the possibility of another dog.  And like I said, we never intended to have two dogs long-term.  So, why consider it now?  Well, because of Jake.  As we desired, memories were made & love has been forged, & not just between him & us, but also between him & Ginger.  Michael says that Jake loves me above all, but let me tell you, he thought Ginger hung the moon.  He loved her, & was very attached to her, so we worry that he needs a companion.  He also needs a playmate.  I can throw a ball & take him for walks, but I can't run around & play rough with him because I get skewered by his teeth & claws!  I'm very delicate, you know.  ;-)  I can't help him expend pent-up energy like another dog can.  Even so, I worry.

Right now, I can still enjoy dogs, but can I love another one?  Can I bring one into our home & allow him/her into my heart?  Jake is securely loved & brings me such joy.  But I worry that Ginger - memories of her, my love for her, my sorrow over losing her - will cast a shadow over a new dog right now.  Michael assures me that I will love another dog, & maybe he's right.  At least, I know that in time, I definitely could.  And yet again, I know myself well enough to know that all it would take is one puppy kiss to have me smitten, even now.  Whether or not we'll adopt a brother or sister for Jake right now remains to be seen, but I can promise that y'all will be some of the first to know if/as soon as this happens; pictures - lots of them - will assuredly follow any new addition!

In that spirit, here are a few of the pictures from when we first got Mr. Jakey-man.  He was just the cutest thing ever!  And still is, of course!

Be still my heart!  I love this dog!

I Shall Again Praise Him

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God." ~Psalms 42: 5-6

Yesterday was a very difficult day for me, as it marked the one week anniversary of Ginger's death.  Ginger's death - I hate seeing those words side by side.  My mood plummeted Wednesday evening & remained in a pit of black numbness that was shot through with piercing anguish all the way through last night.  I had a faint hope that things would be better this morning after a good night's rest, & truthfully I do feel better today.  I had to give myself a sobering pep talk when I woke up, though.  I told myself that it's okay to grieve; it's only been one week, after all.  I'm going to cry, I'm going to be sad, I'm going to miss her terribly.  But, knowing myself as I do, if I continue to wallow in my melancholy, I will fall into a depression & it will take a very long time to claw my way back out.  I can grieve, yes, but I have to fight against the temptation to bathe in it or I'll drown.

I've struggled with clinical depression off & on since my early teens.  Perhaps that's the reason that I have little patience for prolonged lamenting; I know what it can lead to.  It's been a few years since I've been plagued by this foe, & I'd like to keep it that way.  Thankfully, I now know how.  When Michael & I first met, I was on Prozac.  It kept my moods pretty level, & since anger is how depression expresses itself in me, my dad cautioned Michael in his desire to have me off of the medication.  "Trust me, you don't want her off of that!", he warned.  Mama & I echoed his admonition.  Michael heedlessly rejected this counsel & gently pushed for me to do away with the Prozac.  Against my better judgment - because I love him & want to honor him - I stopped taking it.  And do you know what I found?  Much to my amazement, I discovered that Michael was right, & I didn't need it.  Oh, my mood fluctuated & I felt anger more than I would have liked, but in my reading & instruction from Michael, I realized that my problem wasn't depression, my problem was sin.  I had come to view my anger as acceptable & justified; it was just a part of who I was &, furthermore, people shouldn't do things to make me angry!  Besides, "the experts" say that it's healthy to vent your anger.  But, in reading God's Word, I found that my anger was not normal, healthy, or acceptable.  It's sin, pure & simple, & no pill can cure me of that.  I had to acknowledge my sin for what it was, repent of it, & rely on God to rid me of it.

My sorrow is no different.  Sorrow is expected in my loss; I'm not denying that.  But to wallow in it & despair is sin.  I have no reason to despair in my grief because I have God.  If I do so, then I have shown that God has not been my highest love, & Ginger is an idol.  I don't want that.  I want to love God supremely, so I have to willingly let Ginger go if He bids me to.  He has, so I must.  And I proclaim with Job, "though He slay me, I will hope in Him"!

God's Grace & Mercy

Hope has dawned clear & bright today along with the sun that is streaming gloriously golden through our windows.  The whole house is awash in sparkling sunshine, & I feel a stirring of happiness & hope in my breast for the first time in several days.  Jake must feel it, too.  Since my last post, he has slipped into a sort of melancholy, which he's shown by not chasing squirrels, laying around pretty much constantly, & not chewing his beloved bones.  If you knew him, you'd know that's like Winnie the Pooh turning up his nose at honey.  But this morning, he ran out into the yard & promptly sprawled out in the grass to sun himself, & just this evening he finally indulged in a rawhide chew fest.  We're all going to be just fine.

I've wanted to share with y'all how God has been gracious & merciful to us in the midst of this trial.  Today, I finally feel as if I can.

Going back to the beginning, the first thing that comes to mind is finding our vet.  He's an absolute Godsend!  Our initial advice had been to take Ginger to Auburn, but their treatment was going to set us back several thousand dollars, a large chunk of which was due up front.  I was beside myself because our inability to afford this would mean no treatment & certain death for her in a matter of weeks.  Michael remembered reading an editorial about Dr. H, so we called him & he immediately set up a treatment protocol.  He consulted with oncology specialists the entire way & kept down his prices as much as possible so we could treat her.  Without treatment, Ginger would have died in 6 weeks.  The average life-span with treatment is 1 year.  She lived one day shy of 2 years from diagnosis.  How gracious God has been to give me so much more time with my darling!  Her passing has cut me to the heart, but I rejoice over how long God allowed me to keep her.  Especially without suffering.  Michael's previous experience with lymphoma sarcoma in his beloved dog, Vicky, was traumatic because of her intense suffering.  I begged God not to let Ginger suffer, & He didn't.  Until the last hour - where she struggled to live, something I have not the heart to recount - she did not suffer.  The grief is still too near for me to describe my last hours with Ginger; I don't know if I'll ever be able to put that in writing.  However, He answered another prayer of mine - as He did all along the way - an almost constant prayer that I not have to put her down.  I would have given anything for something to ease her pain at the end, but I did not want her to die by my hand on a cold table in a clinical setting.  I wanted her at home in my arms, with me whispering my love in her ear.  God graciously, mercifully, granted me this.  Even though it was almost unbearably difficult, I saw her through to the end, & I hope that she felt comfort from my presence & knew that I love her.  I believe she did.

For me personally, God has surrounded me with love.  Michael is . . . words fail me.  He's loving, godly, comforting, amazing, supportive, phenomenal.  He's staying right by my side, grieving with me & being my strong shoulder to cry on.  He's a rock of love, solace, & comfort.  He speaks of God & His sovereignty, love, & mercy.  He gives me ice cream (hehehe!).  My family (both LA & AL), my church family, my friends, even Jake - all are gifts from God to me.  They've given me love, comfort, & pointed me toward God.  If any of y'all are reading this, know that I am so very thankful for you & I love you beyond measure.

Finally - or, rather, firstly in reality - God has given me Himself.  I've said before that I can't fathom how people endure this life without God.  Without Him, it's all pointless.  Losing Ginger would be pointless.  There'd be no reason behind it, & I would easily allow my grief to become anger & bitterness.  But, because I know Him - & I know that He is good - I know that He has allowed this suffering for a reason.  I don't know what that reason is, but I don't have to.  I know that He loves me, & I trust Him.  I know that He doesn't orchestrate events in order to harm me, for I know that "God works all things together for good for those who love Him & are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28).  I may not know His purpose behind this, but I can say that one thing that has been accomplished is that I long even more ardently for Home.  Michael read to me a chapter regarding pets in Randy Alcorn's book Heaven that was extremely comforting.  I believe that I will one day see Ginger again - whole, healthy, & happy.  I look forward to that day.  I look forward to the day when there will be no more sorrow, no more weeping, no more sin.  But even more so, I look forward to the day when I will see Jesus face to face, when I will never have to be parted from Him.  That will be a most glorious day!  So, my heart cries out, "Come quickly, Lord Jesus!"

Until that day, I will praise Him & worship Him, even in the midst of my pain & suffering.  For He is worthy.

Thank You, Lord God, for the gift that Ginger has been in my life.  Thank You for allowing me to be her mommy.  Thank You for Your grace & mercy throughout this trial, & especially now in my grief.  I know that You see my pain, that You grieve with me, that You keep all of my tears in a bottle, & that one day, all of my pain will find its end in unceasing joy.  Thank You for my loved ones' comfort, support, & love.  They are a blessing to me.  And thank You for You, for being my God, my Father, my Savior.  I love You; help me love You more.  In Christ's holy name I pray, Amen.

Pain & Hope

I'm supposed to be sleeping right now, but not much of that is happening for me lately.  Honestly, it's odd; sleep is usually my escape during times like these.  Last night excluded, the sleep that I have been able to snatch has been plagued by dreams of Ginger, & thus far less than restful.

I attempted to write last night, but just one look at the pictures of Ginger & I was wracked with sobs.  I've likened my constantly fluctuating emotions to weather, & let me tell you, the weather over here is stranger than any I've ever experienced.  One moment, there's a fierce summer thunderstorm.  It usually begins slowly, then builds til it consumes all of me.  My tears are the rain, my audible cries are the thunder, & I suppose my searing pain is the lightning.  Next moment there's icy cold numbness, where I'm so emotionally spent that I can't feel a thing.  No emotions & nothing matters.  It's not that I'm hopeless, I'm just . . . nothing.  Finally, like a tiny shaft of sunlight that breaks through the clouds for a time, there's hope.  I can't begin to express what a comfort Reformed theology has been to me.  Not in & of itself, mind you, but in how it points me back to God's sovereignty & love.  And of course, Michael is constantly by my side.  I told him many months ago, when we knew this moment would come, that it would probably be better for me to be able to grieve alone.  I thought that I wouldn't be able to fully release my emotions in his presence, that I would hold back to protect him from my pain.  I was so wrong.  There's absolutely no way that I could make it through this without him.

Reading back through, it all sounds . . . poetic, almost.  Actually living through it is not.  The last time I felt pain this severe was when my grandfather died nearly 17 years ago.  You want the unvarnished truth?  My heart has been ripped out & dashed into millions upon millions of pieces on the floor.  Sometimes I can't breathe.  My eyes are often swollen, red, & oh so exhausted from the tears that keep welling up & overflowing of their own accord.  Sometimes I curl up into a fetal position while I wail out my longing for my baby to come back to me.  "Please, God, PLEASE let me wake up from this nightmare!  I don't want it to be like this!  I don't want her to be gone!"  I've almost vomited several times when I've given in to the need to cry long & violently from deep within my body, so I have to be careful to calm myself down when I feel like I'm reaching that threshhold.  Which is often.  I keep seeing things that remind me of her, that bring back memories of her, & I burst into tears all over.  You'd think I'd have run dry already.  I fled Beth & Chris' house yesterday when Michael received a phone call from the pet cemetery informing us that they had just finished burying her.  I have to protect others from seeing my pain; I know they love me & want to be there for me, but it's too raw & violent to expose them to.  Michael soon came out & held me while I poured out my grief.  Dear sweet man.  He's an exemplary husband.  Words fail to express how much comfort he brings me, how much I feel his love, & how much I love him.  Jake's always here, too.  He honestly hasn't seemed to grieve like I expected him to, but he's sticking by my side, often giving me sugar or looking at me with his big doe eyes seeming to convey his love to me.  I couldn't bear it if the house were completely empty.  Having him to love on & play with is another comfort.

It's ironic to me that Ginger died one day short of the two year anniversary of her diagnosis.  Time has become a funny animal, seeming to move as slow as molasses in winter while rushing along at the same time.  It seems like ages ago when Mama & Dad left, yet that was just hours before my baby's last breath.  However, could 54 hours really have already flown by since that awful hour?  It's hard to fathom.  We came home last night, & I dissolved into tears when I realized that she wasn't waiting by the door.  She's been there every single day for the past 8 years, expecting me to drop everything & lean over to envelop her in my love.  How do I go on without her?  How do I live without her sweet face, adorable personality, & unconditional love?  These are my feelings, but God's truth grounds me.  My life & faith are built upon Him, & He's the solid rock.  This storm that is now crashing against me will not fell me.  I will lean on Him, & He will see me through this.  How people get through the trials that inevitably plague us in this life without God is beyond me.

I've received several emails from people that I dearly love, & I know y'all want to know how I'm doing.  This is the truth:  I'm hurting.  I'm grieving.  I'm in fairly constant pain that overshadows even happy moments.  But I'm going to be okay.  God is with me, & He will carry me through.  I don't grieve as one without hope.  Thank you for your prayers, for your words of love to me, for your support & encouragement.  They mean - you mean - far more than words can ever express.  At some point in the future, I'd like to tell you of how God has shown us His love & mercy throughout this entire trial.  For now, know that I'm leaning on God & receiving comfort from Him through all of my loved ones.  He is good, He is merciful, He's the Love of my life.

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.  (2 Corinthians 4:8-10)

R.I.P. Ginger Louise Boyd

We lost my sweet baby girl this morning at 4:15.  She died at home in my arms, just like I had begged God to allow.  He's been gracious, merciful, & loving all through this.  My heart is shattered, & I'm too emotional right now to write, but I know y'all have been praying for us.  Thank you.  Please continue to do so.  He's upholding me & giving me grace, but this is more painful than almost anything I've ever had to endure.

I'm Thankful

Ginger's lymph nodes are slightly smaller!  Dr. H said that it would probably take a few days to get any response from this last one-two punch of chemo, but I honestly didn't expect anything.  Her breathing is a little easier, which is such a relief to me.  She even seems to be moving a little bit more quickly, which I take to mean that she feels at least somewhat better.  I'm not in denial, I know what's still coming, but at least it doesn't seem to be happening in the next couple of days anymore.  So, I'm very pleased.  And thankful.

I'm also thankful for my family.  My sister-in-law called to check on Ginger.  My sister & nephew called to check on me, as did a cousin whom I haven't talked to or seen in 15 years.  Granny gave her condolences when we spoke last night.  Of course, Mama & I talk daily, & she cries when I do & speaks God's truth to me.  Michael's right by my side, trying everything he can to alleviate my suffering.  And then there's my eternal family.  Several of my brothers & sisters in Christ have emailed, called, or left comments here to offer their encouragement & support.  I am so blessed to have so many loving, godly people in my life.  If any of these people are reading this, let me say that I can never convey to all of you how much it has meant to me to have your love & support.  I love y'all deeply & am thankful for you.  I'm blessed to have y'all in my life.

Ginger & God

I don't have much energy to write at the moment.  I cried pretty much all evening until we went to bed around 1 AM.  We jumped up just before 7 AM to rush Ginger to our beloved vet's office, hoping that there might be something they can do to continue to hold off the inevitable.  Dr. H wasn't going to be there today, but we stuck around to see his stand-in.  Long story short, Ginger got a steroid shot, her oral steroids that we give at home were upped, & she's heading back in tomorrow for Dr. H to administer yet another round of chemo.  She honestly seemed to feel slightly better today.  She even barked at the cars & bridges on our way over & back home.  Needless to say, we didn't shush her.  I fixed chicken & rice soup for her, which she happily gobbled up.  This has always been her favorite thing to eat, & I'm bascially not going to deny her any little happiness.  I have come to terms with the fact that I am most likely going to have to put her down at the end.  The only other option is to allow her lymph nodes to swell to the point that she suffocates.  And I obviously can't allow that.  I am so drained emotionally.  I keep reliving memories - like the first day I got her & the time she chased a man into the middle of the street.  I keep visualizing with dread what is coming maybe not so far down the road.  I watch her every move & treasure her every expression of love as though I'm trying to memorize her.  My heart & eyes keep welling up & overflowing until I'm positively spent.  I keep breaking down on everyone & if the sympathetic glances are any indication, I must have looked pitiful when I went to the store.  I keep wondering how I could possibly have any more tears.  You'd think I'd be all dried up, but the tears keep coming, & I'm absolutely powerless to stop them.  My posts won't always be like this, & I'm sorry to bring anybody down.  But I can't focus on anything else right now.  I'll never understand how people deal with life & all of its hardships & sorrows without God.  I wouldn't be able to handle this if I didn't know that He's upholding me in this.  I would fall apart & be bitter if I didn't know that He who gave His only Son for me knows my pain & will one day take it all away.  Thankfully, I know that "weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." (Psalms 30:5)  One day that morning will dawn clear & bright.  I'll be with my God, all things will make sense, & all the pain that I have (& will yet) experienced on this earth will be worth it.  He is my treasure.  "For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." (Phil. 1:21)  Now I feel like I can live through this pain; God & His Word always make it better.

I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.  I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.  I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. (Phil. 4:11-13)

Highs & Lows

Today I have experienced my highest high & my lowest low.  My high actually came yesterday (& carried over into today) with the news that God has delivered our loved one from her trial.  We had a possible terminal diagnosis from one doctor, but she received a second work-up yesterday from a specialist & received a clean bill of health!  We have all held firmly to the belief that God is good in good times & in bad.  We have queried with Job, "Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?" and answered with a resounding, "though He slay me, I will hope in Him".  God brought us to the brink, & then snatched us back.  And through this brief, though fierce, trial He has taught many & brought many to Him.  It's astounding to see the number of people that were touched & the faiths that were deepened through this situation.  "For great is the LORD, and greatly to be praised, and He is to be held in awe above all gods." (1 Chron. 16:25)

My low has come just this evening when we picked Ginger & Jake up from my father-in-law's.  Between yesterday morning when we dropped her off & this evening, her lymph nodes have doubled in size!  "How did this happen in one day?!", I choked out through sobs to Michael.  Apparently, this is what happens when the cancer is out of control.  Her whole face is now filled with swollen lymph nodes & her airway is being obstructed more.  She doesn't seem to be in distress, although she obviously doesn't feel well.  I have a very bad feeling that we're coming to the end much faster than I expected.  I thought we had a couple of months maybe, but it's now looking like a couple of weeks or even days.  I feel like I can't breathe.  I'm on the verge of tears constantly.  Please pray that God will give me grace to get through this (I know He will).  Please pray that Ginger won't suffer.  Please pray that I'll have the strength to end her suffering, if it should come to that.  Please pray it won't.  Please pray for my dear mother & husband who suffer immensely at my suffering.  Oh, God, please help me!

Ginger & Jake

For those of you who love them.  For those of you who rarely get to see them.  For those of you who just like seeing pictures of other people's pets.  For your viewing pleasure, I present . . .

Ginger & Jake

 Playing

 Loving

 No comments about her ears, Mama!

 Chillin' in "his" chair

 Here's where you'll find Ginger

when I'm in the shower . . .

and here's where you'll find Jake!

(That's my pillow, by the way.)

Seeing the Son Through the Rain

Warning: If you aren't a pet-lover, this post will be nonsensical to you. Then again, if you're a lover of God, you might be able to apply it to your own life. If you're both, then read on.

Today is overcast. The clouds seem to be bordering between hope of the sun peeking out & letting out a drizzle or full-on deluge. Just like my mood.

Ginger's cancer is back. And the chemo doesn't seem to me to be working this time. Certainly not as well as previously. It most assuredly is not side-effect free like every other round has been. Watching her suffer last night with deep non-stop panting, trembling, & obvious discomfort was unbearable. I broke down all evening long & went to bed with tired, puffy eyes & a stopped up nose. I knew this was coming, but when the chemo's working & she's in remission, it's just easier to push that knowledge away, you know? Out of the few devastating emotional events in my life, this ranks right up there.

Even so, I'm bordering between hope of the Son peeking out & letting out a full-on deluge (drizzle isn't an option). I've seen evidence of Him, even at my lowest points yesterday:

     -Our vet staff took such great care of Ginger, not letting her be alone during & after the chemo administration;
     -My husband & mother were so supportive, loving, & concerned about both Ginger & me;
     -God heard my cries for help & took pity on me, giving me strength when I felt that I just couldn't handle this;
     -God heard my cries & took pity on Ginger, giving her comfort & peace last night intermittently through the evening & then throughout the night;
     -Ginger seems to be feeling a little better this morning, which is a gift from God as well.

Ginger's really done amazingly so far. This cancer (lymphoma), if left untreated, can kill a dog in 6 weeks. Chemo has been effective (another evidence of God's graciousness), & December 24 will be 2 years since her diagnosis. She's responded well with each treatment, just being really tired for a couple of days. Until now, her lymph nodes have retreated with steroids & chemo. Now they're not. My greatest fear is that she will suffer. Michael experienced this cancer with his dog years ago, & her suffering was traumatic. I don't want to have to put her down - here comes the rain again - but I don't want her to suffer either. We're not to that place yet, thank God, & I hope we won't get there. I think God, in His wisdom & love, has said "no" to healing her here, so my new prayer is that He will take her peacefully without suffering while I'm there to hold & love her.

I'll tell you one thing this trial makes me do. It makes me hate this world. Not in a rage sort of way, but in a longing for heaven sort of way. And it makes me want to slap Adam & Eve. And it makes me hate sin. If it weren't for the Fall, none of us would suffer. But because of the Fall, we don't reflect the image of our Maker well (to put it mildly). So, suffering is the means intended by God to refine us, to sanctify us, so that we become more like His Son. And you know, when I look at it like that, even pain like this is worth it. I want to be more like Jesus. I want my hold on the things of this world to be loosened so that my grasp on Him can't be. This is a time for strengthening my faith in God, for deepening my trust in & relationship with my Father. When I realize that He's doing just that, that He's drawing me to Himself through this suffering, I have peace. He only does what's right & good, & He will see me through this.

An Update on Ginger

It's been 2 months since my last update on Baby Girl, & I'm happy to report that she's still in remission!  She looks good (although she's stinky from needing a bath) & is eating well.  And if all of the rough-housing with Jake is any indication, she feels great, too!  All in all, everything's going well.  I'm thankful for this & for your continued prayers.

Ginger's Update

Okay, so here goes another update on the Booger (one of her many nicknames; maybe I should have chosen Ladybug or Baby Girl?).  She had another round of chemo on Thursday, so she's still a little down.  It typically makes her really tired for a couple of days afterwards.  This time she's also had some muscle weakness, particularly in one leg, which has manifested in a limp.  I won't go into my nursely ministrations last night, mainly because you'd think I was crazy, but suffice it to say that she was kept quite comfortable & rested all day & night.  So, the limp is better today & she's been a little more perky.  Now for what Dr. Hammond said when we picked her up. . .We're in another remission.  He ran a CBC & said the numbers were great.  He can't find a single lymph node anywhere on her.  So, now we're back to monitoring.  The last time we went into the "monitoring" phase, we stayed there for just shy of a year.  As I've said before, this was medically impossible, because according to the timelines, she should have lasted only a month & a half.  I'm praying that we get a good outcome this time as well.  Thanks again for your love & prayers.  I'm very grateful.

Ginger's Update

I'm just going to give a quick update about Ginger's cancer treatment for anyone who is wondering.  Since I last wrote, Ginger went through a week & a half on Prednisone to shrink her lymph nodes.  We were waiting to hear back from the oncologist that Dr. Hammond confers with, & in the course of that time (about a week), Ginger's nodes had grown & then - alarmingly - 2 other nodes that have never been there before suddenly sprang up & swelled up to tennis ball-size in a matter of days.  Poor Dr. Hammond's staff had to endure more than one sobbing/blubbering phone call from me.  They were so kind & caring.  Long story short, the nodes shrank with the Prednisone & we have had her in once for the administration of the drug that did wonders for her last summer: L-Spar.  She had a rough couple of days last week right after the chemo, but she's perked right up & is back to normal.  She goes in for another administration of L-Spar this week, & we'll find out at that time where we go from here.  I appreciate everyone's prayers & support more than I can say.  I know not everyone understands my feelings; a lot of people don't get as attached to their pets.  It's hard to explain, but I do appreciate your prayers & support.  Thank you.

Pray For Me - PLEASE

The last couple of weeks have been fraught with struggle. I can't elaborate on some of the details in such a public way, although I can assure you that it's nothing to do with our marriage. We're happy as pigs in mud. So, no worries there, okay?

If you've read through our blog up to this point, you've seen mention of my "difficult relationship". Well, that particular difficulty has reared its ugly head once more. It had been relatively easy to let harsh words & frustrating behaviors roll off my back, but now. . .well. . .it's not. Now, I'm struggling to feel the love that just recently seemed to come so easily. Okay, that's not really true. I'm definitely not "feelin' the love", but I'm not fighting for it, either. Nor am I struggling to contain my anger. Nope, I'm letting it have full reign. And, if I'm honest again, I don't want to reign it in. I've been hurt & it feels good to be angry. Here's the rub, though: I know it's wrong. I know full well that I'm sinning in my anger. And I don't like that, not one bit. That's why I'm letting y'all know about this particular struggle. I don't want to feel loving & I don't want to let go of my anger. Right now, I'm not even sure that I want to want to! So, I'm having to pray for that desire, & I'm asking you to pray for me as well.

The other struggle comes in the form of my sweet baby girl, Ginger. If you remember, she was diagnosed with cancer Christmas Eve '08. She went into a remission last summer that has lasted all the way until now. But now, it's back with a vengeance. We took all the babies into the vet in the middle of May for their yearly shots & everyone marveled at how well Ginger's been doing. We even wondered if maybe God had healed her. I know that sounds crazy - like, why would He heal a dog when He doesn't heal people? - but this remission was rare. Her first remission lasted only 3 months, & the rule of thumb is that the length of a subsequent remission will only be half. So, I should have lost her last Fall at the latest. (I have to pause here & publically praise God for giving me more time with her than is supposed to be medically possible.  I'm more grateful than I can say.)  Here she is a year out, with no sign of the cancer. Could it have been that God had answered my frantic down-in-my-bones cries with a "yes"? It seemed so. Until the end of May. I felt what may be her lymph nodes popping back out in her neck. We went in to our vet again - who, if I may say so, is an absolute God-send to us - & he thought it was probably the vaccines, but he wanted to keep an eye on it. So, we made our weekly trip to his office last week (on our anniversary, no less) for the confirmation of my fear that the nodes are larger & the cancer is back. In the past week, those nodes have continued to grow while some others in front of her shoulders went from nonexistent to tennis ball-size. We've gotten her started on Prednisone, which has already begun to shrink the nodes, & we have another treatment plan set to begin Monday. But, ultimately, we're just delaying the inevitable. This cancer is terminal. It's only a matter of time before it kills her. And it breaks my heart to know that. I've broken down sobbing countless times over the last couple of weeks. Like right now. I can't stand the thought of what's coming, but it's coming nonetheless. I'm scared. This is painful now, but it's going to be exponentially more painful when God takes her. Everything in me is screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO LOSE HER!!!" And yet, I will. God will see me through it. Michael will see me through it. I do know that. I desperately need your prayers. She may not be a human, but she is my baby.

A Few of My Favorite Things

I was just thinking about some of my favorite things for this year & thought I'd share them. I figure if Oprah can do it, then I can, too...even if I'm not a fan of hers & even though my "readership" is far less than her viewership! You may find you like some of them, too.

Favorite Things:

     *Revlon blackhead remover: This cleans pores out better than anything I've ever used, including the pore strips.  Kind of a gross thing to post, but it needed to be said.

     *The Regimen from Acne.org: I've always had issues with acne & this is the best thing I've ever found. I use the cleanser, treatment, & moisturizer (the moisturizer only at night, replacing it with Oil of Olay's moisturizer for the daytime), & as long as I use it twice a day, every day, I never break out anymore!

     *Portable dishwasher: We don't have room in our kitchen for a built-in dishwasher, & washing dishes by hand can be overwhelming, so this thing has been wonderful! Now, instead of spending hours cleaning the kitchen, I can be done in a fraction of the time!

     *Adirondack chairs: Sturdy, comfortable, beachy...must I say more?

Favorite Events:

     *Starting the adoption process: We are so excited to be going through the process to adopt 2 children from Ethiopia. You can see our progress on the side of this blog & read our reasons for adopting in our 2 adoption posts from September (here & here).

     *Getting Jake: I love this dog! He's got a wonderful disposition & personality, & is just so darn cute! I think he's been good for Ginger, too.

     *Ginger going into remission: We got the diagnosis of cancer for my baby girl last Christmas Eve, found an excellent vet who started her on chemo in January, & she went into remission. Her lymph nodes swelled up again in the summer & we did another round of chemo, & she's still in remission! Praise God!

     *Camping in TN: Michael took me camping in TN the first time in '07 & we went back this past year in late October again. I LOVE The Smoky Mountains & Cade's Cove!  The picture below shows a view from a remote backwoods trail overlooking the Cove.  I literally cried when I saw it because of how God's creation reflects His glory.  This picture doesn't do it justice!

     *Seeing the beach for the 1st time: Yep, I'm now 32 & only saw the beach for the first time this past summer. I was so awed by God's majesty that I cried (yes, I do that a lot) - I mean, if the ocean is that big, & He cups all the waters of the entire world in the palm of His hand, how big & awesome must He be?!

Favorite Books:

     *There's No Me Without You: This is my number 1 favorite book of this year, which struck Michael as odd since I cried & raged my way through it. That's because of the truth regarding the injustice in this world done to those who are helpless by those who are corrupted by power. Seeing the devastation especially to the children - devastation that could be prevented & corrected even now - was horrifying.  But as emotionally drained as it left me, I will read it again & again & I recommend it to each & every person I know.

     *Desiring God: Anyone who knows me, knows John Piper is my favorite preacher. I can have a difficult time reading him, though; he's much more intellectual than I, so I have to put in some effort to follow him. But because of the time he's spent in God's Word & the exposition that follows, he's SO worth that effort! This book was an excellent work in showing that our greatest joy should be found in Christ. Another book that I think everyone should read.

     *Keeping Holiday: This one is going to be a Christmas tradition for me. I read it last year, & loved it so much that I just had to read it again this year. It is a fictional story, quite short, about a boy & his cousin trying to find the "real Holiday". At first, it's symbolic of the differences between the trappings of the secular Christmas & the real meaning behind Christmas that so few of us truly seek out. The story quickly turns to symbolize the journey of salvation. It's charming, biblical, & simply wonderful!

     *Broken-Down House: I'm only a few chapters into this one, but I simply love it! I was gripped from page 1. This is a book about how we all live in a "broken-down house" (this sin-filled world) that doesn't work like the "builder" (God) created it to work. We have to live here, though, & we're called to live our lives in the power of God & His Word. It's an awesome book filled with excellent illustrations.  I can hardly put it down...even at 5 in the morning!

     *A Wife After God's Own Heart: I've only just started this one, too (I've picked up Michael's penchant for reading more than one book at a time), but my highlighter's already thrown up all over it! In just 1 chapter, I've highlighted & starred quite a bit! I've taken a pause to work on the applications/homework at the end of the chapter, & am really looking forward to doing them! I definitely want to be "a wife after God's own heart", & I'm excited about the challenge this book will be to me!

Favorite Music

     *"To Be Like Jesus": The new kids' CD from Sovereign Grace. I can't say enough good about this CD! Solidly biblical words, great music, applicable to children & adults alike...it's an all-around fabulous CD!

     *"Wake Thy Slumbering Children": The 5th volume of music from Indelible Grace. Michael & I listen to this one over & over! We both love how these folks put both well-known & sometimes forgotten hymns to new music. I didn't think I'd like the concept of this, but hearing a song with new music really makes you pay attention to the words.

     *Kate Rusby: I don't have any of her CDs, but a friend posted one of her songs on FB, & I was immediately hooked. She's an English folk singer, & I love the songs as well as her lilting voice. From what I can tell, she's got a really bubbly personality, too, which adds to her likability as far as I'm concerned.

     *Lecrae & Shai Linne: Yes, this is an odd entry for me, as I am no fan of rap/hip hop. Not in the least. Truthfully, I rather detest the stuff. However, I can't say enough about how much I love Lecrae's song "Don't Waste Your Life". Oh, my goodness, the thoroughly biblical words give me chills. Seriously. Chills. And Shai Linne? I haven't heard a song that isn't chock full of Scripture! These fellas singing rap music know more theology than a lot of seminary-trained pastors!  (And yes, I did mean to write that.)

I hope you enjoyed this post! If you try any of my favorite things, let me know what you think. I hope you like them as much as I do!