Our Year, My Crisis of Faith, & Our Prayer Requests

I don't usually write posts in this way, but I have a lot to say - a lot to catch some of y'all up on - so I'm going to write this one post in 3 parts.  I'll be as brief as possible, but let me apologize in advance for the length.

Our Year

This has been a hard year.  There has been joy, to be sure – being a child of God, Michael’s wife, & Emma’s Mama, that’s a given – but I've never lived through a year like this where difficulty compounded sorrow repeatedly.  Beginning in March of last year, my beloved Granny died suddenly.  In June we discovered we were expecting our second child, only to be told a few weeks later that we had lost him or her.  (I’ve dealt with my fair share of sorrow, but I’ve never known this depth of pain before.  Never.  And lest anyone think differently, while the pain does lose its rawness, it never goes away & can crop up at any time.)  A couple of people whom I love dearly experienced deep sorrow, & I sorrowed with them because I love them.  Then, at the beginning of this year, despite our very best efforts, we lost our home.

Amongst the sorrows, as I mentioned, there were joys.  For those of you who don’t know, we discovered in October that we were pregnant again!  To be sure, that made me nervous, as my heart was so very tender with grief over Christian.  Still, this little one whom God is forming in my womb tops the list of joys for this year!

My Crisis of Faith

I’m already a nervous expecting Mama, especially early on.  I tend to be fine between appointments, but as one approaches, I start to worry that we’re going to discover something’s wrong.  Losing Christian only amplified that anxiety.  But as we passed the early benchmarks, & as I was able to rent a hand-held Doppler, I became more at ease.  My comfort was challenged a bit, though, at the 20 week appointment where we discovered that this baby – Jack, as we learned to our extreme delight! – had a slight abnormality that our doctor wanted to keep a watch on.  “Echogenic bowel”, they called it.  He didn’t seem distressed & said it was possible that this was nothing to worry about, something that could be a false reading or even resolve on its own.  He wanted us to come back in 4 weeks for another ultrasound.  I prayed fervently, more fervently than I’ve ever prayed for anything in my entire life, that this shadow would be gone when we went back.  I knew from research that echogenic bowel could mean some pretty scary things, so I begged God to let it be gone.  I was perfectly honest with Him that I had had enough this year; I couldn’t handle one more sorrow, especially in regards to my children.  There are others who seem to float along with nary a ripple in their placid life.  “Let them have a turn,” I pleaded.  I prayed these things over & over & over . . .  & over.  And even though I still felt some anxiety, I just knew that when we went back, everything would be normal.  I just knew it.  But I was wrong.

It took a few hours, but before the day was done, I freaked out.  I mean, freaked out.  I became volatilely angry with God.  I questioned His goodness & His love for me.  I wondered if maybe the atheists were right – is God capricious?  Why would He do this to me?  Hadn’t I suffered enough?  Not just this year, but in life?  I was molested, I suffered through family estrangements, I was hurt grievously by others, I struggled with infertility for years!  And then He had put me through the intensive pain of the past year, topping it off by taking my child away only to compound it by threatening this one?  I sobbed out my anger & grief to Michael, in Emma’s presence, who both sought to comfort me.  I felt like I was going to be torn apart by this emotional tornado.  I was inconsolable, livid, confused . . . & scared.  Scared because I had never in my life, despite my trials, questioned God like this.  I had never ever been angry with Him.  Never doubted everything I ever believed about Him.  I was terrified that I would lose my faith, & that was brand new to me, as well.  I believe that my faith – its very existence from beginning to end – is fully dependent on God.  I wouldn’t believe in Christ as my Savior if He hadn’t drawn me, & I am completely dependent on Him to keep me from losing that faith.  I knew this, but this situation made me experience it.  All I could do was cry out to Him.  I was unbelievably angry, yet I still loved Him & didn’t want to turn from Him.  So, I begged Him to not let me go, not let me lose my faith.  For days I pleaded for Him to do this.  Slowly, ever so slowly, my tornado of emotions quieted, & my faith emerged stronger.  He sent me through the fire & brought me back out.  I have never been more thankful for anything . . . or more relieved.  A few things occurred to me as my storm blew itself out:

1)      I was so angry at God for possibly requiring my son of me or afflicting him with some grievous condition, yet He knows that grief Himself.  He knows what it means to watch the Son He loves afflicted & killed, & it was His gracious plan out of love for His enemies (including me), in order to reconcile us to Himself.  I realized I had no right to withhold my own son should He ask him of me.

2)      Every single person is created by God in His image & is, therefore, “fearfully & wonderfully made”.  Even people with deformities or diseases.  People are not the sum of their infirmities, & I will focus on Jack, not his limitations (if there are any).

3)      No matter what happens, as long as Michael & I are alive, Jack will never know a day where he is not loved & cared for.  He will always know that we love him & so does God.

Our Prayer Requests

The bottom line here is that we don’t know if Jack has a problem or not.  We went to a specialist who basically couldn’t tell us anything definitive without further testing – testing that still wouldn’t be conclusive.  We knew going in that we would not consent to anything invasive like amniocentesis, so we’re choosing to live with the uncertainty.  The fact that the echogenic bowel is the only abnormality works in our favor.  Usually such cases turn out with a healthy baby.  We know there’s no guarantee, though.  Blessedly, God has taken away my anxiety.  Since my crisis of faith, I have only had one twinge of anxiety, which is when I realized I need to focus on Jack & not his possible issues.  If we may ask, please pray for us.  Pray for Jack’s health; even though our love for him will be undimmed we, of course, still desire him to be healthy.  Pray for our faith in God (& His goodness & love) to remain strong regardless of what happens.  Pray that we (mainly me) won’t become angry with God if things don’t go as we hope.  Pray that God will be with us no matter if Jack is born healthy or not – because we’re going to need Him either way.  Pray for my health & for his birth (now just 9 weeks away, give or take) to be smooth & uncomplicated, & for recovery to be quick & easy.  Pray for Emma as she transitions from being an only child to being a big sister.  Pray for Michael & me to be godly parents to both of our babies.  And pray for us to glorify God in everything.  Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Soli Deo Gloria

God in My Miscarriage

Almost two months ago, on June 27, I had one of the happiest days of my life!  That was the day we discovered that God had created life in my womb again.  Oh, glorious day!  Because of my struggles with infertility, I am wary of pregnancy tests.  So, even when I'm showing pretty clear symptoms, I will explain them away in an effort to not get my hopes up.  And I avoid pregnancy tests like the plague until Michael finally convinces me to just end my mental gymnastics ("Could I be?  No.  I can't be.  Supper obviously didn't agree with me; that's why I'm nauseous.  Could I be pregnant?  I want to be, but  I don't need to be.  Oh, but Lord, if I am, please protect the baby.  Just stop it, Chrissy, you're not pregnant.") & take a test.  Funnily enough, this time played out almost exactly like when we found out we were pregnant with Emma.  Michael came home from work & told me to take a test.  I didn't want to because I was convinced my body was just being wonky & I didn't want to see a negative result.  But, as he laid down to go to sleep, I headed to the bathroom.  I wasn't even done counting out the 20 seconds you're supposed to, didn't even have time to set the stick down on the counter, didn't even have to set a timer.  Positive.  It was positive!  We were going to have another baby!  As soon as I saw that positive result, I was immediately, instantaneously, deeply in love & fiercely protective.  It is astounding how quickly that happens!  I hollered out, astonished & ecstatic, "Emma's gonna be a big sister!"  A stunned Michael just laid in the bed while I ran to kiss him, tears streaming down my face, barely able to keep myself from jumping with joy.  Poor fella needed to sleep after working all night, & all I could do was pick up the phone to call family & text friends.  Then, before even thinking about breakfast, I quickly typed up & printed out a little sign for Emma to hold announcing her new status as a big sister, took a picture, & posted it to Facebook.

A week & a half later, we headed to our OB appointment for our first ultrasound.  I am a worry-wart during pregnancy.  Every day I pray frequently that the baby is okay, that God will help the baby grow strong & healthy, & that He will save our baby's soul.  I did this all throughout my pregnancy with Emma, & this one was no different.  My chief concerns before the first appointment are always ectopic pregnancy & hormone levels, so I'm always anxious to see that everything is okay.  I was very pleased for the tech to announce that everything looked great, & I was 5 weeks 6 days along, which would put our estimated due date on March 4.  I spent the next 2 weeks bouncing between euphoria, planning, & worry.  I lo-o-ove being pregnant, knowing there is life inside of me, & anticipating the joys of another baby is so much fun!  Even so, there are so many things to get done, so many things to figure out, especially when you live in a tiny house, as we do.  Finally, I'm not one to take pregnancy for granted, so - just as I did with Emma - I would have fleeting bouts of worry about how the baby was doing & pray for his/her safety & health.  Blessedly, our baby looked good.  I was happy & at peace.

Then came the morning of our next appointment.  We had planned on dropping Emma off at Michael's sister's farm on the way to the OB's, but left too late.  This made me anxious, because she did not handle the first appointment well (she didn't get her nap out & pitched a fit anytime she had to be separated from me, which meant I held her during the ultrasound & physical exam).  I had hoped to avoid that, but it turned out that God knew what He was doing.  She ended up being a very welcome distraction.  As we sat in the waiting room, I read to Emma & Michael took pictures of us, noting my "pregnancy glow".  Little did we know then that it wouldn't last much longer.

On that day, one month ago, we learned that the burgeoning life inside of me was no more.  Once they took us back & began the ultrasound, I knew almost immediately that something was wrong.  I could tell that the picture on the ultrasound didn't look any different from the last one.  We were 2 weeks 1 day out from the last ultrasound; I was 8 weeks along, so we should have been able to see more.  When the tech said we were measuring 6 weeks 2 days - a mere 3 days further along since our last ultrasound - my heart sank, & I started crying.  She put her hand on my shoulder, gave her apologies, & went to get our doctor while I got dressed.  We were ushered into his office & waited for his appearance to tell us what we already knew.  He was very apologetic when he told us that our baby was gone.  I held out a slim hope that something, anything!, could be done, but he regretfully assured us there was no fixing this.  He also urged me not to blame myself for losing the baby.  "There's nothing you did or didn't do to cause this, so don't play that game."  Wise words, but also rather pointless, because it's just inevitable that I would try to figure out what went wrong.  Is it because I wasn't on Metformin this time?  Or because we didn't fill that Progesterone prescription?  (To that, he said I "could have bathed in Progesterone, & it wouldn't have made any difference.")  Is it because I wasn't exercising & eating super healthy like I was when we got pregnant with Emma?  A hundred questions like these have run through my mind, & the bottom line is that I don't know.  I don't know why I lost my baby, why I won't get to hold him/her in my arms, or read & sing to him/her, or see him/her grow up.  (Well, that's not completely accurate.  I do know that this is a result of the Fall, as are all trials & sorrows.  And it is helpful to know that & to know that one day God will make all things new & will right every wrong.  It is hard, though, to live in this "already, not yet" period of time where I have to grieve the loss of my baby.)  At this point, people want to fix it, they want to bring comfort & get me to think positively.  Although I have felt immense comfort from their displays of love, there is no fixing this.  The only one who could fix this is God, & believe you me, I prayed fervently over those 5 days between the sad news & the actual miscarriage that He would fix it.  I pleaded with Him that the experts were wrong, that our baby was still alive.  I begged Him that even if they were right that He would resurrect our baby in my womb.  I pleaded with groans & sobs.  The pregnancy hormones still coursing through my body continued to evidence themselves in nausea & soreness, prolonging my hope.  As did stories online of misdiagnosed miscarriages.  I prayed that would be our outcome.  The night before the miscarriage began, God gave me the grace to end my pleas in the same way that our Savior did:  "Thy will be done".  The very next day, I began bleeding & knew what God's will was.  (Because I chose a natural miscarriage in lieu of a D&C, this has been a drawn-out process that is just ending more than 3 weeks later.  I will spare you the details here; however, if you are in the same position & want to know what to expect, or if you want to better understand what I've been going through, I will outline my experience in the comments section.)

God's graces in this sorrow have been bountiful.  Every single day He shows me that not only is He aware of my suffering, but He is with me in it & carrying me through it.  I am constantly in awe that the God who holds the universe in place knows my sorrow intimately & cares to minister to me as only He can.  I am beyond grateful.  Should you find yourself in the same situation as I, I encourage you to make a daily list of God's graces to you.  Finding ways to be thankful in the midst of unbearable grief refocuses you & helps you bear it.  Here's my list so far (it grows daily):

     ~sympathies of ultrasound tech
     ~Dr. A praying for us after giving the bad news
     ~kindness of Dr. A in ushering us out the back door (I didn't have to see other pregnant mamas or be stared at as I sobbed)
     ~rainbow in the sky an hour later (God is a promise-keeping God.  I saw this as Him saying to me, "I know, I'm here, I'll carry you through this.")

     ~tight, wordless hug from Rebecca
     ~prayers & sympathies pouring in from friends & family
     ~Emma dropping her toys to run to me & give me hugs & kisses (or tickles) when I cry
     ~warning of miscarriage before it began (I would have been traumatized & my grief would have been paralyzing if it had just suddenly happened)
     ~Michael being a shoulder to cry on
     ~Michael pointing me to biblical truths
     ~multiple prayers offered on our behalf at church
     ~Michael supporting my need (emotionally & physically) to just rest on sofa & watch "Dispatches from the Front" & movies
     ~sunshine
     ~text messages from Jennifer
     ~pain meds
     ~rainy days that match my mood
     ~compassionate nurse (Tammy)
     ~friends & family checking on me repeatedly (texts & FB)
     ~Angie being on-call for me (in case I began to miscarry & needed her to come in the middle of the night while Michael was at work)
     ~new friend (Brittany) willing to be there for me even though she's pregnant
     ~Amanda sending me pictures of flowers to brighten my day
     ~articles & books reminding me of God's presence in my grief
     ~Emma
     ~Beth's text message
     ~Becky's letter
     ~Holy Spirit moving me to retrieve what ended up being Christian's body
     ~finding last gardenia plant in perfect condition (I had my heart set on a gardenia as a memorial plant in which to bury Christian.)

     ~capturing placenta/sac
     ~Dr. A validating my view of our baby (naming him/her, capturing what we could, burying him/her, wanting an ultrasound picture) & my grief over losing Christian
     ~flowers from Kara Grace
     ~"Valley of Vision" on FB
     ~text messages from Katie
     ~fun times with Emma
     ~distractions of daily life
     ~sweet nighttime moments with Emma
     ~Dr. A found ultrasound pictures of Christian - the only ones we will ever have - & sent them to us

     ~"Come Weary Saints"
     ~sympathy from Brian
     ~sympathy from our "meat fella" & his wife
     ~text message from Katie
     ~Terry's words of encouragement & saying that he prays for us daily
     ~my grief isn't constantly overwhelming; there is joy in between the floods of sorrow
     ~Scripture Lullabies
     ~songs in worship service that include trusting in God amidst sorrow (I feel like they were chosen for me)
     ~Pastor Keith's sermon that incorporated some of the very Scriptures that I've been meditating on
     ~vanilla spice candle that gives me a homey feeling & visions of normalcy
     ~Michael holding me while I weep
     ~friends & family not rushing me to "get over it", but are instead encouraging, loving, & are praying for me
     ~Willow Tree "Angel's Embrace" figurine that Michael bought for me

     ~daily comfort in prayer

I know this is long, but let me just take a moment to thank all of you who have ministered to us.  Your love, compassion, & encouragement have meant the world to us.  I can't even begin to thank you, because the gratitude permeates every fiber of my being; words just simply can't convey to you how thankful I am to God for each of you.  It's been such a little thing for you to take a moment to write that message or speak those words, but its worth has been immeasurable.  Years before Michael & I ever met, years before having a baby was even a possibility, I prayed that God would never send me through a miscarriage, & I determined that if I ever did marry & conceive, I would not tell anyone until the 2nd trimester (when chances of miscarriage decrease).  I thought avoiding telling anyone I was pregnant would be easier than having to tell people repeatedly that I had lost the baby.  In reality, I simply can't wait to tell the joyful news, & I'm glad that I didn't.   I can't imagine having to go through this alone.  Each person that has ministered to me & carried us before the throne of God has been a balm to my soul.  (And please know that if you don't see your name listed above, that does not in any way mean that your encouragement & love has gone unnoticed or unappreciated.  Not at all.  I have been so blessed by so many such expressions in numerous ways that it's been hard to keep a list of all of them individually, especially in my fragile mental & emotional state.  But they're all in my heart, & I'm thankful for all of them.)
    

This post has been rolling around in my heart & head for a while & has taken me more than a week to write.  I really wasn't even sure if I could get through writing it.  So, why even try?  For a couple of reasons.  One, in all of my life, & especially in my trials, I want to bring glory to God.  My desire in sharing my grief here is not that you'll feel pity for me, but that you'll see that in my weakness, God is strong.  I shared my heart's desire with a friend earlier last week, & can't think of any better way of saying it (plus I don't have the energy to reinvent the wheel):  "I do pray that our Father is being magnified by my sharing our grief.  I want people to see that we are hurting & broken, but also hoping & trusting in God.  I want them to see that our faith in & love for Him is not just undimmed, but even more fervent.  I want to show that He is the source of our hope, our rock in this storm, the reason we're able to survive this pain with hope & faith."  My other reason for sharing this is because I know I'm not alone in this grief.  I am not the only Mama who is missing a child.  And for anyone else who is in the very depths of sorrow as I am now, I want you to know that you aren't alone, either.  This is the worst thing I have ever been through, one of my very worst fears realized.  There are honestly times when I hate this valley, when I beg God for this not to be His plan.  I don't like being a Mama of 2 in my heart, but not be able to hold both of my babies in my arms; in fact, every fiber of my being rebels at this reality.  I don't want to be this person going through this pain!  But God.  God is getting me through it.  He is carrying me every single day.  He shows me every day that He is with me & that He loves me.  I know to the very depths of my soul that He is good, that He only gives good gifts to His children, that "He works all things together for good for those who love Him & are called according to His purpose".  I know that "the Lord is near to the brokenhearted & saves the crushed in spirit" & that "He heals the brokenhearted & binds up their wounds".  I know that this is a refiner's fire that is conforming me into Christ's image, & so even though this hurts immensely, I am grateful for that.  I know that "weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning".  That morning will come when I pass from this life to life eternal, & then I will never know another sorrow.  I am clinging tightly to these promises right now.  If you are in Christ, you can, too.  I pray that you may know His comfort & peace, & that you will feel Him carrying you through your sorrow.  There is one more reason that I am sharing this - Christian.  His/her life on this earth was short, but our baby was created by God, in His image, & is valuable.  Loved.  Missed.  Mourned.  Even if it was only our little family's, our precious baby touched our lives, lives in our hearts, & deserves to be honored.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers.  We will need them for a long time to come.  I know from others that our grief will never completely subside, but it will become more bearable.  And one day, we will be reunited with our baby - & all of our loved ones who die in Christ - before the throne of God, never to be separated again.  Until then, I will hope, I will trust, yes, I will grieve, but I will also give thanks.  Thanks for the life that God created in me, thanks for the lives that I get to love & care for every day, & thanks for the many blessings He has bestowed upon me - not the least of which is all of the precious souls who have ministered to us in our grief.  I pray that He blesses all of you as you have blessed us.

Soli Deo Gloria

Biblical Comfort in Affliction

John Bunyan's wife, Elizabeth, has just found out that her sorrow over her husband's imprisonment is compounded by the loss of her newborn child.  She has been lamenting over her afflictions & her faith is sorely tested.  Her good neighbor, sister Harrow, strives to give biblical comfort to soothe her grieving heart.

"Well, shall we receive good at His hand & not evil?  But what has He promised, sister Bunyan?  Don't He say that all things shall work together for our good?  Think of this.  He don't say some things, or most things, but all things.  And if we are His children, we will believe what He says; we will not doubt His word; we cannot.  Look how He brought His poor old Job through all his afflictions, & made his last days his best ones.  Your troubles are not equal to his; he had everything taken from him - houses, lands, children, camels, & all his servants - & you know he had a good many, for he was a rich man.  And then he was afflicted in his own body - all covered with boils - the sorest things in the world. . . . Just think of him in all his distresses, & how God brought him through them all.  And then you will be willing to trust Him for yourself.  He was given to us as an example to follow."

"But Job was an upright man, sister Harrow, & I'm a poor, weak, sinful creature.  I don't deserve any good at God's hands.  I am so prone to forget Him.  I don't love Him as I ought to.  I don't serve Him as I should.  He ought to scourge me, I am so wicked."

"Ah, sister Bunyan, you don't think anybody deserves any good thing from God, do you?  Oh no; it is not for our good works that He loves us; it is all His own sovereign love & mercy.  Oh, I tell you we have nothing to commend us to His favor, as your dear good man said the last time he spoke at my house; & we can't do anything.  So much sin - so much sin always here in the heart - that God can't find anything in us to love us for.  It is only for Jesus' sake - only because He died.  There's our hope, sister Bunyan - nowhere else - no, no, nowhere else.  Jesus is all, all, sister Bunyan.  No merit but His.  Yes, blessed Jesus!  Thou art all, & in all; the beginning & the end . . . ."

~Excerpted from Mary Bunyan:  A Tale of Religious Persecution and Heroic Faith by Sallie R. Ford

Loss is Gain

*Be prepared:  this is going to be a long post.  Also, I will be as discrete as possible, but some detailed explanation is needed to ensure understanding.

This has been a dreadful week.  Not only for what has taken place, but also for what I have learned about myself.  It all started 3 weeks ago, & these 3 weeks have been a roller coaster ride, a continuously revolving cycle of hope, followed by ever-increasing anxiety & desperation, & culminating in crushing disappointment & confusion.  I have learned a lot of lessons in this relatively short time span - lessons about trust, hope, & patience; lessons about how deeply embedded is my sin, how truly depraved I am.

I am 3 weeks late.  Now, having PCOS, that is not unheard of; my longest gap between cycles before treatment was 2 years.  However, in the almost 2 years since I've been taking Metformin, I've never been this late.  Add to that the fact that I've been regularly exercising & have had a few of the classic symptoms, & we genuinely thought we were pregnant.  So much so that we immediately began taking home pregnancy tests every few days.  Because I have wacky hormone levels, we assumed the negative results were simply due to us taking them too early.  All throughout this, I have been forcefully reminded of how Harry Potter felt as he competed in the Triwizard Tournament.  As each test day approached, I experienced a mounting tension & anxiety, which reached a fever pitch to the point where I thought I would either lose my mind or my lunch.  Then, once we got the results, along with disappointment, I would feel a calm until the next test day approached.  For two & a half weeks, this has been my life.  It has drained me & left me frazzled.

During this time, God has been teaching me a few different lessons.  Patience has never been my strong suit.  I had no choice here but to be patient; there was absolutely nothing I could do to move things along.  I guess, though, come to think of it, perhaps God was simply showing me my penchant for impatience, because - while I did have fleeting moments or perhaps even a day here or there where I was calmly waiting - I was mighty anxious for answers the rest of the time.  I know that another lesson he wanted me to learn regarded hope.  Perhaps Proverbs 13:12 doesn't mean this, but I began to see that when I "defer hope" from God & place it on something else - in this case, being with child - that my "heart [becomes] sick".  Finally, of course this experience is meant to strengthen my faith.  Although that has been the end result, for a time I failed miserably in this area, but I'll get to that in a moment.

Even though we kept pulling up negatives, we could see no other logical explanation, so it was practically impossible to keep our minds from daydreaming about the possibilities.  We've had names picked out for a while, so we dwelled instead on how we would tell people & how we would have to redecorate the house.  We were so hopeful that we would be able to surprise our families, which - if that's you - explains why you didn't know about this until earlier this week.  We only told our closest friends that we thought we might be pregnant.  We were bursting to tell someone, & our thought here was that our friends would not be as disappointed as our family.  They have proven us wrong on that account, & I've been amazed at how they have entered into our grief with us.  Having to tell everyone that we're not pregnant has been difficult, but I can't even begin to express how deeply I appreciate the love & encouragement that we've received.  The fact that our friends are mourning with us means more than I can say.  Especially Sommer, Sweet T, Angie, Amber, & Katie.  These ladies have known me for less than a year, & the love that they have lavished on me has been overwhelming.  I didn't think I could love you more, ladies, & yet, I do.

The strain of the HPTs finally broke us, & we went to our family doctor on Monday for a blood test.  Michael was certain that it would be positive; I was terrified that it wouldn't be.  Turns out that whole "expect the worst, hope for the best" thing isn't helpful in the least.  Everything came crashing down when we got the call the next day that the test was negative.  I immediately called our OB, got an appointment for Wednesday, & then curled up in our bed & sobbed my heart out.  Here was my lowest point.  The point when my faith failed.  All of a sudden, I allowed myself to dwell on thoughts about God that I've never had in my life.  I questioned His love for me.  I believed that He was being cruel, that He was sitting on high laughing at my pain.  I could not wrap my head around why He was "doing this to me".  I would have been perfectly fine if my cycle had begun when it was supposed to, so I could not comprehend why He would dangle this hope before me like a carrot forever beyond my reach when He knows how much I desire being a mother.  I tell you this not because I'm proud of it, but expressly because I'm not.  Michael held me while I wept & railed.  After about half an hour, I lay there spent, calm.  And gradually, I felt peace & even happiness invade my soul.  Unbeknownst to me, Michael was silently praying for God to give me grace, & even though I had been arrogantly faithless & altogether undeserving, He gave it to me.  How deep the Father's love, indeed.  That evening, Michael & I clasped hands & I prayed a prayer of deep repentance & thankfulness.  I have seen anew the depths of my sin & the wonder of being forgiven by my Father.

By the time our OB appointment came, I knew that the results of another blood test would be negative.  I have accepted that we are not with child, even while I am left to wonder what is going on.  All through this, we have contemplated the glory that God would receive, the praise that we would give Him in front of everyone if He had given us this gift.  I've struggled with not understanding why this would not be the best way for Him to receive glory from us.  Because God does everything for His glory, I've come to comprehend that He means to receive glory from us another way - namely, by the growth of our faith in Him in the midst of this trial.  So, I stand here now declaring that God is good, that He loves me, & that He is working out His plan - even if He chooses not to share all of the details with me.  Trust is not always an easy thing to come by.  I have had times in my life where my faith in God never wavered, where I easily trusted Him even though I was hurting.  That was not the case this time; for the first time in my life, I doubted Him.  Now I know that sometimes you have to fight to trust.  I'm so thankful to have a godly husband & godly friends who have ministered to me & pointed me toward God throughout this, & even now continue to do so.  I'm thankful for the love & support of my Mama & Daddy, my sister-in-law Beth, & my cousin Scott.  I appreciate everyone's encouragement & covet your prayers.  Thank you for being the body of Christ to us.

Soli Deo Gloria

Contemplating the Godhead

"Oh, there is, in contemplating Christ, a balm for every wound; in musing on the Father, there is a quietus for every grief; & in the influence of the Holy Ghost, there is a balsam for every sore.  Would you lose your sorrow?  Would you drown your cares?  Then go, plunge yourself in the Godhead's deepest sea; be lost in His immensity; & you shall come forth as from a couch of rest, refreshed & invigorated.  I know nothing which can so comfort the soul; so calm the swelling billows of sorrow & grief; so speak peace to the winds of trial, as a devout musing upon the subject of the Godhead."

~C.H. Spurgeon, quoted in J.I. Packer's Knowing God

Ginger & God

I don't have much energy to write at the moment.  I cried pretty much all evening until we went to bed around 1 AM.  We jumped up just before 7 AM to rush Ginger to our beloved vet's office, hoping that there might be something they can do to continue to hold off the inevitable.  Dr. H wasn't going to be there today, but we stuck around to see his stand-in.  Long story short, Ginger got a steroid shot, her oral steroids that we give at home were upped, & she's heading back in tomorrow for Dr. H to administer yet another round of chemo.  She honestly seemed to feel slightly better today.  She even barked at the cars & bridges on our way over & back home.  Needless to say, we didn't shush her.  I fixed chicken & rice soup for her, which she happily gobbled up.  This has always been her favorite thing to eat, & I'm bascially not going to deny her any little happiness.  I have come to terms with the fact that I am most likely going to have to put her down at the end.  The only other option is to allow her lymph nodes to swell to the point that she suffocates.  And I obviously can't allow that.  I am so drained emotionally.  I keep reliving memories - like the first day I got her & the time she chased a man into the middle of the street.  I keep visualizing with dread what is coming maybe not so far down the road.  I watch her every move & treasure her every expression of love as though I'm trying to memorize her.  My heart & eyes keep welling up & overflowing until I'm positively spent.  I keep breaking down on everyone & if the sympathetic glances are any indication, I must have looked pitiful when I went to the store.  I keep wondering how I could possibly have any more tears.  You'd think I'd be all dried up, but the tears keep coming, & I'm absolutely powerless to stop them.  My posts won't always be like this, & I'm sorry to bring anybody down.  But I can't focus on anything else right now.  I'll never understand how people deal with life & all of its hardships & sorrows without God.  I wouldn't be able to handle this if I didn't know that He's upholding me in this.  I would fall apart & be bitter if I didn't know that He who gave His only Son for me knows my pain & will one day take it all away.  Thankfully, I know that "weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." (Psalms 30:5)  One day that morning will dawn clear & bright.  I'll be with my God, all things will make sense, & all the pain that I have (& will yet) experienced on this earth will be worth it.  He is my treasure.  "For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." (Phil. 1:21)  Now I feel like I can live through this pain; God & His Word always make it better.

I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.  I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.  I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. (Phil. 4:11-13)

Highs & Lows

Today I have experienced my highest high & my lowest low.  My high actually came yesterday (& carried over into today) with the news that God has delivered our loved one from her trial.  We had a possible terminal diagnosis from one doctor, but she received a second work-up yesterday from a specialist & received a clean bill of health!  We have all held firmly to the belief that God is good in good times & in bad.  We have queried with Job, "Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?" and answered with a resounding, "though He slay me, I will hope in Him".  God brought us to the brink, & then snatched us back.  And through this brief, though fierce, trial He has taught many & brought many to Him.  It's astounding to see the number of people that were touched & the faiths that were deepened through this situation.  "For great is the LORD, and greatly to be praised, and He is to be held in awe above all gods." (1 Chron. 16:25)

My low has come just this evening when we picked Ginger & Jake up from my father-in-law's.  Between yesterday morning when we dropped her off & this evening, her lymph nodes have doubled in size!  "How did this happen in one day?!", I choked out through sobs to Michael.  Apparently, this is what happens when the cancer is out of control.  Her whole face is now filled with swollen lymph nodes & her airway is being obstructed more.  She doesn't seem to be in distress, although she obviously doesn't feel well.  I have a very bad feeling that we're coming to the end much faster than I expected.  I thought we had a couple of months maybe, but it's now looking like a couple of weeks or even days.  I feel like I can't breathe.  I'm on the verge of tears constantly.  Please pray that God will give me grace to get through this (I know He will).  Please pray that Ginger won't suffer.  Please pray that I'll have the strength to end her suffering, if it should come to that.  Please pray it won't.  Please pray for my dear mother & husband who suffer immensely at my suffering.  Oh, God, please help me!

Things To Be Thankful For: Condemned Heaters

Man alive, has today been . . . interesting.  Not necessarily in a bad way, but certainly in a somewhat adventurous way.  It all started when flipping the switch didn't turn on our heater.  Not a huge deal - we are in the South, after all, & it's not been terribly cold.  By northern standards, it's probably bordered on summer-like weather!  This is also the third winter that we've had this issue.  The first time, it was easily fixed, & last year flipping the switch several times made it kick on.  That wasn't working this time, though, so we had to call our trusty electrician company.  Mark got it working, delivered the expected news that there was a part that needed replacing, & was just wrapping it up when we heard a very abnormal flickering sound.  It was obvious that there was a large flame getting too much oxygen in a very bad place.  Long story short, we now have a condemned unit because it is both a fire & a carbon monoxide hazard!  Obviously, we can't run it & have to order a new unit.  And tonight's supposed to be our first frost!

When Mark told us the bad news, I laughed & Michael said, "Well, God knows we're a one-income family trying to honor Him in how we live & give.  He knows we're financially stretched, & He has a reason for this."  All of that reading on suffering & God's sovereignty is seriously helpful when you're surprised with a situation like this.  Not that this is anything like what others are going through even as we speak, but it's still a little trial that presents an opportunity to fret & be upset.  God kept us from that reaction, & I thought it might be good to write down some of the things that I'm thankful for in this little predicament of ours (in no particular order):

     -Mark diagnosed a very serious problem before it became a very serious problem.
     -This didn't happen on a weekend, in the middle of the night, or in a snowstorm (hey, there's a chance it could happen . . . a very slim chance, but still).
     -We have space heaters, an electric blanket (thanks to a very quick trip to W-M), & warm clothes.
     -The dogs can be our bed buddies if we need extra warmth.  ;-)
     -Mark's already gotten the ball rolling on getting us a new unit, which will hopefully take place in the latter part of next week.
     -It warmed up a bit today, so the house wasn't frigid.
     -My very gracious Mama is going to be our financing department; we abhor debt, & it's a relief to not have to worry about interest.  We're incredibly thankful for my family's generosity in helping us out with this.  We will pay you back quickly!
     -We like the house really, really cold when we're sleeping; for the next couple of nights, we get that for free!  ;-)
     -I had an opportunity to show my faith in God & His care of us when talking to Mark about this unexpected little expense.
     -This is an opportunity for Michael & me to observe how God cares for us even in the unexpected, even when we don't have $4,500 saved up.
     -God is always faithful to care for us & uphold us in unexpected & scary situations.
     -God is always in control, even when we're not.
     -We got to see how little "in control" of our lives we are.
     -This is another way that God can strengthen our faith in Him.
     -If we ever sell, a new unit is a good selling point!

Isn't it funny how bent out of shape we can get when we don't get our way?  Yet, if that heater had come on like we had wanted it to, we could have been killed in a house fire or by carbon monoxide poisoning.  Rather than get all huffy about the incovenience, we're thankful that God had His way & preserved our lives.  No matter the situation, there are always evidences of God's grace.  Isn't He the most marvelous God?!

I Have a Shelter ~ Sovereign Grace Music

"Come Weary Saints".  Sometimes that's a very appropriate name for me.  Sometimes I can feel like I'm at the very end of myself.  I think that's just where I need to be, too, because when I come to the end of myself, I find God.  He bids us come & find our rest in Him.  That doesn't always mean that the burden is removed, but He gives us strength & grace to bear up under it.  Sometimes, it is removed.  This will soon be the case for Christian.  We've just found out today that he is about to enter into his eternal rest.  His sufferings are almost done.  He has glorified God in them, & I have no doubt whatsoever that he will hear what every saint longs to hear from Him whom our souls love:  "Well done, good & faithful servant."  I've been overcome with different emotions this evening for this family that I've never met.  I've deeply felt their sorrow & grief.  I pray that God will give them strength, grace, & comfort.  Christian's suffering is ending, but having to go on without him begins a new phase of suffering for them.  My heart breaks for them in their loss.  I've been there, too, in a different way.  My Papaw died from lung cancer that metastasized to his brain when I was 16, & I feel his loss to this day.  I've feared & hated cancer ever since.  But after watching people like Christian suffer well through cancer, my fear is gone.  He - & others like him - have shown me that my afflictions here on earth are indeed "light" & "momentary" through their eternal perspective.  They've been focused on the reward that is waiting for them - Jesus Christ.  And this leads me to my other emotion this evening.  I've actually felt some envy, because Christian is going to soon meet our Savior face to face.  He will soon gaze into His loving eyes, hear His soothing voice, & feel His comforting embrace.  Oh, the wonder & bliss of that moment!  I don't grieve for him, because he is losing nothing & gaining everything.  But I do pray that his family will feel God's loving presence with them, that they will know that God is good & that He will never leave them.  That He will get them through this.  And I pray that God will continue to use Christian to show the world that He is worthy of all honor, praise, & worship.  I pray that God will bring the lost to salvation through Christian's & his family's suffering.  Please pray, too.  And remember that if you're going through a storm & you're a Christian, Jesus is your shelter.

Suffer Well

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies." (2 Cor. 4:8-10)

I've been thinking about suffering a lot lately. Now, don't get all worried & run off; this is not going to be a sad post. I promise! So, sit your hiney back down & move your hand away from the mouse. I've been thinking a lot about suffering because we all have those times. Regardless of the bill of goods that the health, wealth, & prosperity teachers like to try to sell us, Scripture says that we will suffer. Some people are caught completely unaware by suffering. They are fair weather "Christians"; when the inevitable storms blow, they crumple. I'm not talking about grieving; this is normal. Even Jesus grieved over Lazarus' death right before He resurrected his lifeless body. But some become angry with God & walk away from Him because they feel that He owes them only pleasant experiences in life. Not to be too blunt, but that's a lie. There is absolutely no biblical basis for these beliefs. They should be discarded & repented of. We see myriad examples of Christians suffering in Scripture. Of course, the first to come to mind is Jesus Christ Himself. Further, not a single apostle escaped suffering. Most of them were martyred. 2 Timothy 1:8 calls us to "share in suffering for the gospel by the power of God". In his epistle, James exhorts us to "count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds". When, not if. To be a Christian is to suffer. To be a Christian who suffers well is to be a Christian who glorifies God & brings honor to His name. It's to show to the world that Christ is worthy of our suffering.

To endure persecutions from unbelievers in the form of imprisonment, torture, & rape & respond by praying for your persecutors' salvation; to face cancer - as Rachel, Matt, & Christian have - & determine that it's worth it to you to suffer & even die if Christ is glorified & people are brought to salvation; to declare, "The Lord gave & the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord", upon finding out that your bride has been killed in a car accident - this makes God look glorious! The world doesn't understand this kind of faith, & they are drawn toward its Founder & Perfecter, Jesus Christ.

Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith--that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and may share His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. (Phil. 3:8-11)

Count It All Joy

I just found the following at GirlTalk & thought it was extremely relevant to my last post.  Relevant & helpful.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds." ~James 1:2

"Life is full of hidden rocks, sudden violent winds of circumstances lying in wait for the believer. Every single one of them is embraced in James' word 'it'. There is no trial, no great calamity or small pressure, no overwhelming sorrow or small rub of life outside that plan of God, whereby it is a stepping stone to glory. And it is for this reason that our settled conviction must be to appraise it as all joy, not because it is joyful in itself (for 'all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant' [Heb. 12:11] when it is in full flood), but because 'later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness' (Heb. 12:11). In James' words, it is the only way forward to become perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." ~Alec Motyer

God's Truth Convicts & Heals

I've been chafing lately under the storms of my life. Granted, I know perfectly well that my "storms" don't even begin to compare with those that are raging through others' lives. Not even close. At one time, that wasn't much help to me, but it is now. Now I realize that even though I may not be as tried as others at the moment, that doesn't diminish the hurt that I feel in the midst of the fire. But it does put things into perspective. So, while I smart over my own gashes & scars, I give thanks that they're not deeper & more lasting than they are, while praying for those whose wounds are very deep & lasting.

One trial after another has washed over me, & the cumulative effect has been for me to grow irritable, selfish, & unmerciful towards others. As only God can ordain things, He has chiseled at me with four successive writings in the last couple of days that have brought me up short. As a result, I have been humbled, made meek. I have been shown my own sin & folly & been sorely ashamed. Sorely ashamed &, yet, healed. I don't think we can really, truly take refuge in the Gospel until we've been brought face-to-face with how abominable our sin is.

The first was this post by my favorite new blog. She quotes from Spurgeon's Morning and Evening (July 11 morning entry). It so gripped my sore & hardened heart that I had to read it for myself in our copy. The most convicting part for me was:

     "But notice how this blessing of being established in the faith is gained. The apostle’s words point us to suffering as the means employed- “After you have suffered a little while.” It is of no use to hope that we shall be well rooted if no winds pass over us. Those old gnarlings on the root of the oak tree and those strange twistings of the branches all tell of the many storms that have swept over it, and they are also indicators of the depth into which the roots have forced their way. So the Christian is made strong and firmly rooted by all the trials and storms of life. Do not shrink then from the tempestuous winds of trial, but take comfort, believing that by their rough discipline God is fulfilling this benediction to you.”

On the heels of this, came this article on Girls Gone Wise. As I read through different women whom I admire who have laid down their very lives for Christ, I was stabbed through the heart again. They laid aside cherished dreams and lived their entire lives in service to God out of love for Christ. And here I am, demanding my own comfort, complaining over a few little inconveniences & aggravations?! Disgusting!

     "When I study these women’s lives, I am astounded and inspired by their level of commitment to Jesus Christ. They didn’t just say He was their first love; they lived it. Whether they gave up their right to be married in order to serve Christ, or gave up the “happily ever after” lifestyle they’d always dreamed of, nothing was more important than protecting the honor of their Lord and King.

So it must be with us."

Not to be outdone, Michael read this to me from Foundations of the Christian Faith by Boice:

     "Self-denial should not be difficult for any Christian to understand for this is what it means to become a Christian. It means to have turned your back on any attempt to please God through your own human abilities and efforts, and instead to have accepted by faith what God has done in Christ for your salvation. . . .Living the Christian life is, therefore, only a matter of continuing in the way we have started." (pg. 461)

He, perhaps unwittingly, touched upon exactly that sore spot that God wanted him to touch. Here I've been demanding my own way, expecting certain loving treatment that I'm entitled to, & refusing to deny my own comfort for the sake of someone else. Then he reads this to me. Ouch.

And then, finally, I picked up my copy of Young Lady's Guide to the Harmonious Development of Christian Character by Harvey Newcomb & opened up to Chapter 4 entitled "Charity". I was immediately convicted, & when I read it aloud to Michael I burst into tears over this:

     "Charity suffers long. It will endure ill treatment, and prefer suffering to strife. It will not resent the first encroachments, but patiently bear with injuries as long as they can be borne. If charity reigns in your heart, you will consider how many and aggravated are your own offences against God, and yet that His long-suffering bears with your perverseness, and He is daily loading you with benefits; and shall you be impatient with the slightest offences from a fellow-worm? Consider, also, how liable you are to encroach upon the rights of others, and to try their patience by your infirmities. Do not, therefore, be hasty in the indulgence of hard thoughts of others, nor impatient of their faults and infirmities. How much contention and strife might be avoided by a little forbearance! And who is there so perfect as not sometimes to need it to be extended toward himself?" (pg. 49-50)

In harboring my sin, I've been so very blind. Thank you, Lord, for giving me sight & melting this cold heart of stone. Grow my roots deep, so that I can suffer long in love, deny myself, & weather the storms of life. Amen.

Pray For Me - PLEASE

The last couple of weeks have been fraught with struggle. I can't elaborate on some of the details in such a public way, although I can assure you that it's nothing to do with our marriage. We're happy as pigs in mud. So, no worries there, okay?

If you've read through our blog up to this point, you've seen mention of my "difficult relationship". Well, that particular difficulty has reared its ugly head once more. It had been relatively easy to let harsh words & frustrating behaviors roll off my back, but now. . .well. . .it's not. Now, I'm struggling to feel the love that just recently seemed to come so easily. Okay, that's not really true. I'm definitely not "feelin' the love", but I'm not fighting for it, either. Nor am I struggling to contain my anger. Nope, I'm letting it have full reign. And, if I'm honest again, I don't want to reign it in. I've been hurt & it feels good to be angry. Here's the rub, though: I know it's wrong. I know full well that I'm sinning in my anger. And I don't like that, not one bit. That's why I'm letting y'all know about this particular struggle. I don't want to feel loving & I don't want to let go of my anger. Right now, I'm not even sure that I want to want to! So, I'm having to pray for that desire, & I'm asking you to pray for me as well.

The other struggle comes in the form of my sweet baby girl, Ginger. If you remember, she was diagnosed with cancer Christmas Eve '08. She went into a remission last summer that has lasted all the way until now. But now, it's back with a vengeance. We took all the babies into the vet in the middle of May for their yearly shots & everyone marveled at how well Ginger's been doing. We even wondered if maybe God had healed her. I know that sounds crazy - like, why would He heal a dog when He doesn't heal people? - but this remission was rare. Her first remission lasted only 3 months, & the rule of thumb is that the length of a subsequent remission will only be half. So, I should have lost her last Fall at the latest. (I have to pause here & publically praise God for giving me more time with her than is supposed to be medically possible.  I'm more grateful than I can say.)  Here she is a year out, with no sign of the cancer. Could it have been that God had answered my frantic down-in-my-bones cries with a "yes"? It seemed so. Until the end of May. I felt what may be her lymph nodes popping back out in her neck. We went in to our vet again - who, if I may say so, is an absolute God-send to us - & he thought it was probably the vaccines, but he wanted to keep an eye on it. So, we made our weekly trip to his office last week (on our anniversary, no less) for the confirmation of my fear that the nodes are larger & the cancer is back. In the past week, those nodes have continued to grow while some others in front of her shoulders went from nonexistent to tennis ball-size. We've gotten her started on Prednisone, which has already begun to shrink the nodes, & we have another treatment plan set to begin Monday. But, ultimately, we're just delaying the inevitable. This cancer is terminal. It's only a matter of time before it kills her. And it breaks my heart to know that. I've broken down sobbing countless times over the last couple of weeks. Like right now. I can't stand the thought of what's coming, but it's coming nonetheless. I'm scared. This is painful now, but it's going to be exponentially more painful when God takes her. Everything in me is screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO LOSE HER!!!" And yet, I will. God will see me through it. Michael will see me through it. I do know that. I desperately need your prayers. She may not be a human, but she is my baby.

Flip-Flops, Mud, & Tornados - A Bad Combination

This has been one heck of a week, thanks to my new need for crutches & what I call my "space boot". It's actually a funny story, if "funny" means "filled with pain, crying meltdowns, & frustrating dependence". Oh, yeah, & "family making fun of you hobbling along in your space boot". You may have heard about the storms that swept through our area last Saturday. We got lots of rain here, but the tornado warnings just danced around us without ever really twirling too close. Until late that evening. Michael had been at work for a couple of hours at this point, & according to the local stations, we were pretty much in the clear. Even so, I kept our weather radio next to me & the radar pulled up on the computer, just in case. Then, it happened. The radio blared that scary "emergency broadcasting system" noise that has never failed to unnerve me & started talking about a tornado warning for our area. I pulled up the radar &, sure enough, there it was - the first red block heading right for us. Heading right for us & supposed to be here in 15-20 minutes. Now, at this point, you wouldn't think that a girl who was raised in Tornado Alley would freak. But you'd be wrong. I freaked. I have yet to see a tornado, & I do not have any intention of disturbing this happy pattern. So, I ran around the house - frantically, I might add - gathering my things & ushering the dogs outside so I could stuff them in the car. 'Cause I ain't leavin' my babies. I would have taken the cat, too, but she had stubbornly hidden herself under the bed, & I didn't have time for a 20-minute furniture moving party. So, the dogs are waiting on the back patio, Ginger almost overcome with excitement because she somehow instinctively knows that she's about to go for a car-ride, one of her all-time favorite pastimes. Jake's not so sure about this whole thing, because he's the opposite of his sister. He's the only dog I've ever met who actually gets carsick. Literally. But we have to go. Michael & I have an agreement that I go to the hospital parking deck to wait out tornado warnings because he feels like concrete & steel are safer in that situation than wood on a crawlspace. Crazy man. Okay, so my sweeties are waiting on the patio while I run out to open the car doors so I can drag them over (I also couldn't find their leashes in my panic to flee from the wrath of the approaching tornado). Remember, it's been raining. Rain means mud. Mud that creeps over the edges of the carport & makes concrete slippery. Especially for flip-flops. Perfectly suited for those times when you're in panic rush-mode. The mud & my flip-flops became fast - though fleeting - friends. My left leg flew out to the side, & my right leg collapsed underneath me, sending me crashing to the slippery concrete, banging my knee really hard & twisting my ankle with a fabulous "pop" in the process. I'll spare you any further details about hobbling each of my darlings out to the car & driving to the hospital's deck while sobbing & shaking from the pain. I won't bore you with reminisces of my attempts to walk around my house later - attempts which ended with my collapse on the bed in complete emotional meltdowns because of the pain. Oh, & the tornado from which I so frantically fled? Yeah, it fizzled out before it ever reached us, before I even left the parking deck to drive home.

All sarcasm aside, as I was indulging myself in a moment of self-pity, I began to think of all the things I had to be thankful for in this situation. I'm a pretty optimistic person, & I do believe that there is always something good that comes from even the worst situations, always some lesson to learn. So that I wouldn't forget, I wrote them down & would like to share them with you. I want to give glory to God here for blessing me, even in this situation - which pales in comparison with those who were hit by tornados that night.

I'm thankful to God for:

-rain to water the grass & plants
-His protection from tornados
-a home that protects us from the weather
-radars & warning systems to alert us of bad weather
-Michael being able to sleep for work (due to lack of seriously severe weather)
-a safe place to go to during bad weather
-protection against possible danger in a public place
-the loving care of my husband
-medicine & bandages to kill & protect from germs & infection
-ice packs & Ace bandages
-a momentary reprieve from pain when I cried out to Him for help
-pillows to prop my foot up on
-my dogs' concern when I have a meltdown
-talking with a godly friend (right after one of my meltdowns) who shows sincere concern & points me to God
-Advil
-God's Word
-prayer
-sleep

I wrote all of these that night. Since then, I've found even more things to be thankful to God for:

-cooler weather that followed the storms
-thorough, caring doctors
-the continued loving care & help from my sweet husband
-crutches
-the workout my arms & back have gotten from the crutches
-a sprained, instead of broken, ankle
-my "space boot", which takes the pressure off so I can (oh so slowly) walk
-Advil (yes, I know I've already mentioned it. I'm very thankful for it!)
-take-out food (it's impossible to cook when you can't put weight on your foot)
-my foot is healing fairly quickly
-the care & concern of family & friends who have called to check up on me

*My most gracious heavenly Father, thank You for all of these things & so much more. Most of all, thank You for being my God & Savior. I love You. In Christ's holy name I pray, Amen.