Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Ginger & God

I don't have much energy to write at the moment.  I cried pretty much all evening until we went to bed around 1 AM.  We jumped up just before 7 AM to rush Ginger to our beloved vet's office, hoping that there might be something they can do to continue to hold off the inevitable.  Dr. H wasn't going to be there today, but we stuck around to see his stand-in.  Long story short, Ginger got a steroid shot, her oral steroids that we give at home were upped, & she's heading back in tomorrow for Dr. H to administer yet another round of chemo.  She honestly seemed to feel slightly better today.  She even barked at the cars & bridges on our way over & back home.  Needless to say, we didn't shush her.  I fixed chicken & rice soup for her, which she happily gobbled up.  This has always been her favorite thing to eat, & I'm bascially not going to deny her any little happiness.  I have come to terms with the fact that I am most likely going to have to put her down at the end.  The only other option is to allow her lymph nodes to swell to the point that she suffocates.  And I obviously can't allow that.  I am so drained emotionally.  I keep reliving memories - like the first day I got her & the time she chased a man into the middle of the street.  I keep visualizing with dread what is coming maybe not so far down the road.  I watch her every move & treasure her every expression of love as though I'm trying to memorize her.  My heart & eyes keep welling up & overflowing until I'm positively spent.  I keep breaking down on everyone & if the sympathetic glances are any indication, I must have looked pitiful when I went to the store.  I keep wondering how I could possibly have any more tears.  You'd think I'd be all dried up, but the tears keep coming, & I'm absolutely powerless to stop them.  My posts won't always be like this, & I'm sorry to bring anybody down.  But I can't focus on anything else right now.  I'll never understand how people deal with life & all of its hardships & sorrows without God.  I wouldn't be able to handle this if I didn't know that He's upholding me in this.  I would fall apart & be bitter if I didn't know that He who gave His only Son for me knows my pain & will one day take it all away.  Thankfully, I know that "weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." (Psalms 30:5)  One day that morning will dawn clear & bright.  I'll be with my God, all things will make sense, & all the pain that I have (& will yet) experienced on this earth will be worth it.  He is my treasure.  "For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." (Phil. 1:21)  Now I feel like I can live through this pain; God & His Word always make it better.

I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.  I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.  I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. (Phil. 4:11-13)


Lynn said...

I'm so sorry for your sorrow, Chrissy. It IS good to know that these sorrows won't last forever, and that we have a good hope and a future.

The Boyds said...

Yes, it is. Thanks for your encouragement.